Jokes Thread

[cimt]

Originally Posted by willie

<snip!>

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

I admit, I did try it.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[kangaroosterrier]

Originally Posted by kangaroosterrier

I'm so very tired. Ran 24km this morning. Finally I stopped, turned around and said, "Lady, take your purse."

...and I don't like to call people fat but her high school photo was an aerial shot.

Two brothers walk into a pharmacy.
Pharmacist sees they're new to the game and asks if he could help.
"Yes, please," answers the older brother, "Could we please have a box of tampons?"
"Sure thing," replies the pharmacist whilst handing them a fresh box.
The older brother hands over a hundred.
While the pharmacist is cashing up the business the older brother opens up the box, pulls out a tampon, rids it of the cellophane and has it dangling by the string when he gets his change back.
"Thank you," he says, pocketing his change," but could you please explain how we're meant to use this?" indicating the tampon.
"Why? Who's it for?" asks the pharmacist, slightly bemused.
The older brother points to his sibling and explains: "My little brother over here. He saw the adverts and it said he could swim, play hockey and ride a bicycle. He doesn't know how to do any of that."

[Angua]

Originally Posted by kangaroosterrier

...and I don't like to call people fat but her high school photo was an aerial shot.

Two brothers walk into a pharmacy.
Pharmacist sees they're new to the game and asks if he could help.
"Yes, please," answers the older brother, "Could we please have a box of tampons?"
"Sure thing," replies the pharmacist whilst handing them a fresh box.
The older brother hands over a hundred.
While the pharmacist is cashing up the business the older brother opens up the box, pulls out a tampon, rids it of the cellophane and has it dangling by the string when he gets his change back.
"Thank you," he says, pocketing his change," but could you please explain how we're meant to use this?" indicating the tampon.
"Why? Who's it for?" asks the pharmacist, slightly bemused.
The older brother points to his sibling and explains: "My little brother over here. He saw the adverts and it said he could swim, play hockey and ride a bicycle. He doesn't know how to do any of that."

That one was old when God was a child?

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Originally Posted by Angua

That one was old when God was a child?

Maybe not in South Africa

[kangaroosterrier]

Originally Posted by Angua

That one was old when God was a child?

God only just recently visited South Africa for the first time to celebrate Mandel'a 90th birthday (and tampons are a very recent luxury down here) so it's a new joke here.

[Alien]

A Communist died, and since he was an honest man, although atheist, he was sentenced to rotate between heaven & hell, spending alternate years in each.

One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order."

Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now."

God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

[TheDaddy]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find
a little old Jew at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter that you don't want to buy
a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

.


.


.


.

'Your bloody brother won't let me in without a tie.'

[Ramrod]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too'

[Tims]

Haha, keep them coming

[Orior]

Q) Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?


A) A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL.

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Orior

Q) Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?


A) A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL.

So what about the lollypop?

[Orior]

Originally Posted by Alien

So what about the lollypop?

Thats for suckers like you!

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Orior

Thats for suckers like you!

Oh, very witty.

Originally Posted by Alien

Oh, very witty.

Actually I think that was a very well worked joke and you walked straight into it I must admit I did chuckle