Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by TheDaddy

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.

That's spooky, I was telling a slightly different version of that joke to a mate at work today!

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by Osem

Hmmmm... mine is just a tad under 4 feet long

Poll tax??

[RDDearing]

Surely at 4 feet thats "pole" tax?

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Just had a bottle of "John Terry" beer

Label says "Produced in England Bottled in Russia"

[goldoni]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive this bank holiday.................
So I took her to our local petrol station for a coffee

Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.

As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction

[goldoni]

Paddy met Mick in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"
"Why?" Paddy asked.
"Because," said Mick, "all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."
Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.

[Alien]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction

[mouqeet]

Well last night i went to the beach and a crab cralled in my pants :O it bit my w!LLy it was annoying and i was running coz it hurt and i said your driving me nuts

[kangaroosterrier]

I'm so very tired. Ran 24km this morning. Finally I stopped, turned around and said, "Lady, take your purse."

[frogstamper]

Originally Posted by mouqeet

Well last night i went to the beach and a crab cralled in my pants :O it bit my w!LLy it was annoying and i was running coz it hurt and i said your driving me nuts

Did this really happen mouqeet?

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by bw41101

CHANGING TRENDS IN MATHS TEACHING:

1. 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £8. What is his profit?

3. 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £500. His cost of production is £100 and his profit is £400. Your assignment: Underline the number 400.

5. 2007
A logger cuts down a forest and sells the truckload of lumber for £1000. It's cost him £200 for the hire of the machinery and the diesel. He hasn't planted any more trees to replace those cut down because it would affect his profits of £800. He is selfish, inconsiderate with no regard for the habitat, animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Topic for discussion, what do you think of this way of making a living? is it ethical, could the government do more? Should the logger be served with an ASBO? How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers).

6. 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 1500 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

I googled number 6 and came up with http://www.startimes2.com/f.aspx?t=9475347

[Cobbydaler]

A Man walked into the Hollywood office of the famous agent Hiram P. Hackenbacker.

"My name is Penis Von Lesbian and I want you to represent me", he said.

"I couldn't possibly represent you with a name like that, who on earth would hire you? I'd make no fees, if you want me to represent you, you'll have to have a stage name".

"I'm afraid I can't do that", said the man, "My name is my name and that's that".

Hiram P. Hackenbacker tried for half an hour to persuade the man to adopt a stage name, but he was unsuccessful.

The man stormed out of the office and after a few weeks Hiram P. Hackenbacker had forgotten all about him.

Slow dissolve to 10 years later....

A slightly fatter and more balding Hiram P. Hackenbacker was opening his mail. He came upon a package containing $50,000 with a covering note.

The note read:

When I left your offÃÂÂ*ce all those years ago I got to thinking. The more I thought about it, the more your advice about taking a stage name made sense. So I did and really made it big time, this money is my thank you to you, who made it all possible.

The note was signed...

Spoiler: 

Dick Van Dyke

[bw41101]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked her, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then worm my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he then asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic ticket $95.00

Court costs $45.00

Look on the cop's face....... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard!

Si thee