Quote:
Originally posted by cjll3
[B]When are they going to stop bullsh**ing people about TV detector vans and admit the only detecting equipment they have is the bloke standing at the front door listening to the 6 o'clock news.
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From todays Times:
June 26, 2003
True fiction
Empty threat
by toby moore
A new generation of TV detector vans is unleashed on the fee-dodging public. Our correspondent takes a close look at the technology
DEEP in the bunker, Dr Strange viewed the gathered reporters with distaste. †œThere vill be no hidink place, nowhere to run,ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ he said with a chilling calm, stroking the white Persian cat which lay across his lap. †œVe vill find your unlicensed telefishions.â↚¬ÂÂÂ
The medication he took to control the nervous twitch was wearing off, but Strange was determined to complete his presentation.
†œYou are privileged to see ziss,ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â he shouted with a sudden, frightening energy. †œVe have now the most advanced, sophisticated veapon ever created to fight the scourge of licence evasion.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ His eyes lit with weird hysteria. †œI vill rid the planet of zis menace vunce and for all.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Strange twisted his wheelchair on its axis in the half-lit cavern and slammed hard on a red button at the console near by. Huge curtains swept back with a dramatic flourish. †œLadies unt gentlemen,ââ ¬Â he enthused. †œI give you the TV detector van, mit ze ultimate in everything ever.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
He slumped back in his chair, exhausted and drained of energy. A white-coated attendant hurriedly wheeled him away. Few noticed. All eyes were on the gleaming, polished white vehicle which had been revealed, lit by spotlights, revolving gently on a mechanical dais.
†œHello there,ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said a pleasant voice as a suited figure emerged from the shadows carrying a clipboard. †œIâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ŠÂ¢m Ken Smith, the head of advanced thermodetection sciences, and Iâ₠™ll be happy to answer any questions you may have about the new system. But first, perhaps I should explain exactly how this thing works.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A surly, sceptical voice interrupted from the back. †œThere is a rumour that these vans are just a con, that there is no such a thing as detection technology. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s all a big bluff.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Smith gave a knowing smile. He had prepared for that one. †œLet me assure you, there is certainly nothing fake about kryptomagnetic energisers, the pulsing heart of the new systems. These can pick up fractional sound cuticles from a range of 20ft. Thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s right, at least four metres. Or a bit more, maybe.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
He ignored the sea of hands raised in front of him. †œI know some of you are probably wondering what, exactly, is a sound cuticle.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ There was a murmur of agreement. †œWell, without getting too technical, every licence gives off a minute signal inaudible to the human ear.
†œWe know this as a M.S.I.T.T.H.E, which stands for Minute Signal Inaudible to the Human Ear, also known as a broadbanded †˜sound cuticleââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢. The energisers, together with laser technology and a secret glowing device, allow us to detect homes without licences. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s really that simple.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Not everyone was convinced. †œSounds more like what we call C.O.B.B.L.E.R.S,âââ⠬šÂ¬Ã‚ said a voice from the gloaming, to derisive laughter from the other journalists.
Smith felt his face bathed in sweat and pursed his lips. In all his years on the front line of illegal television viewing, he had never met such ungracious disbelief.
†œI want to see inside the van,â₠¬Ã‚ said a suspicious voice. There was a clamour of agreement.
†œThat⠃¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ žÂ¢s quite out of the question,ââ‚ ¬Â Smith said nervously. †œWeÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€Š¾Ã‚¢ve got stuff on loan from Nasa, military eavesdropping devices,ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ he added hurriedly, panicked. †œThe very latest flashing lights, advanced weapons systems, aliens. ThereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s stuff in those vans that hasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t even been invented yet.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
But the mood was turning ugly. Someone rushed the van and pulled open the side panel. Smith tried to stop him. Too late. The utterly empty space was revealed. There was a collective gasp and then a threatening silence.
†œAnd the best thing,ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â Smith said, gulping, †œis that itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s all invisible.ââ ¬ÂÂÂ