I dont know what to do

[Central]

Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

[Dai]

I know nothing about you and nothing about your life but I've lived a long time and made a lot of mistakes.

If life has taught me one important lesson it is this:

"You can never go back"

Good luck anyway, however it pans out.

[Tinky]

Sorry to hear things are not working out for you Central. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do for the best. Perhaps a visit to Relate may help to give you a clearer perspective.

I'm old fashioned..I believe in marriage and making it work PARTICULARLY when children are involved.

Are you REALLY sure you don't love your wife or that you have just become bored with your marriage and your life?You need to talk this through BEFORE you commit to another person..there are too many broken families as it is.An old love may seem romantic but first love is just that first love it's not always the love of your life.

I've been married for 34 years..I do love my husband but it's not the first explosive love that we had at the beginning.It's something that has grown into a different love that encompasses a life and children together and a deep loyalty to each other.I do know that boredom can kill a marriage IF you don't watch out..

Try to save yours before throwing it away because there maybe a future where you regret not trying to save yours.

Talk to your wife and go to relate WITH her...Your son needs you.

[Stuart]

You are, of course, assuming they are married..

As for my own advice? Well, in my experience, the one time I did go back to a relationship (can't remember why I did, but I broke it off in the first place), we were deliriously happy for a year or so, then she started cheating on me.. So, it didn't work out for me.

[STONEISLAND]

Originally Posted by Central

Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

IMO DO NOT go back to the EX. Try and make it work with your current partner.
It will only end up very messy for you and your son.
Can you imagine what it will be like for your son as he grows up not being able to see his Dad?

Please try and make it work, it may be difficult at the moment but I’m sure it will get easier.

For your sons sake.

[acemanuk]

i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

[STONEISLAND]

Originally Posted by acemanuk

i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

You obviously don’t know this forum then.

[Russ]

Originally Posted by acemanuk

i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

If you look here you will find we have a number of forum areas which cater for just about every topic.

As long as users post within CF's guidelines (as is clearly the case here) then any subject may be discussed.

[dilli-theclaw]

I would suggest the first thing you do is discuss this with your partner.

It won't be easy but you both need to get things on the table and out in the open.

[acemanuk]

ahh ok np

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by acemanuk

i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

Basically, the forum was set up (way back) as a complaint forum for those who felt mistreated by NTL. Then, as demand grew, we added the off topic (or Basement) section which covered non-ntl related subjects (pretty much any including computing). Over time, the complaints reduced (although they are still here) and we actually started helping people with cable problems.

So, in essence, we are still primarily a cable help forum, but people are free to discuss or ask what they want (subject to the forum Terms and conditions).

[popper]

Originally Posted by Central

Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

i think i need to state this, im being impartial here, it doesnt effect me in any way and im not trying to be nasty in any shape or form, you understand that i hope, but....

put simply you bring up your Son as an after thought, and dont consider your role as becoming his main carer.

its also apparent you seem to have already made your mind up to do what YOU want, and are just looking for some reason to impliment it and justify it, you come accross as knowing its wrong deep down to put your son last, and i find it sad that apparently your chemical bond to your first love/partner is stronger than your chemical bond to your son at the moment.

you didnt help deliver him did you?, and so that parent/child chemical bond isnt as strong as it might be if your putting your son against your ex and YOUR feelings, the human condition is a stange and wonderful thing, but putting your chemical bond with your ex up against your sons bond is going to effect your long term mindset, and it appears you need to work on your bonding and strenthening YOUR parent/child connection far more for the long term, no partner should ever be put before your son.....as you did above.

my advice DONT be rash, and see your wish for your ex for what it is, a longing for things long past due to your needs right now, it will never come again, you should have made the most of it at the time, its to late now, your not the same people as you were back then as maggy points out.

notice in all this, i havent talked about your current partner, and thats because she has a part in this, BUT its clear YOUR the one looking to initiate this break and create a new imbalance in your personal long term mental health and long term relationships, be christal clear as to why your doing this, and be aware of your future long term relationships, IT WILL NOT GO THE WAY YOU IMAGINE, and thats a given...,and you might not like the final outcome if you dont think past your current wishes and hopes right now.

unlike most posts above, its clear to me talking to your current partner before you have considered this fantacy you are bulding around your ex/first lover,is a waste of time, one things clear, it will end badly sometime in the future, given she has also been looking to fill that lost chemical bond too, without consideration for all thats taken place since you first split.... and how you have both changed it can only end badly.

but what do i know, im just an old guy thats been there, got the teeshirt, but kept my son at the top of the list in all my choices and we are far better together for it.

if your looking to find justification in what you have already stated and decided you want to to do , im sure there are lots of people that are ready to give you that, im not one of them, think about it a LOT MORE.

if your looking for the scientific reasoning this sums it up rather well.

"whatever bonds one procures throughout life, be it occupational bonds, an objective, a marriage, family, friends, neighbors, etc., as long as the sum of the repulsive qualities perceived in those bonds is overcompensated by the sum of attractive qualities—then those bonds will hold. Whenever repulsion overtakes attraction—the bond will break."
http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/J...ical-Bond.html

Originally Posted by Stuart C

You are, of course, assuming they are married..

As for my own advice? Well, in my experience, the one time I did go back to a relationship (can't remember why I did, but I broke it off in the first place), we were deliriously happy for a year or so, then she started cheating on me.. So, it didn't work out for me.

Married or not the issue is making sure his son is happy and in 34 years I have seen enough children damaged by broken families and the bitterness that ensues to know what future problems may be lurking.Even in the most stable of children there will be a great deal of hatred,guilt and distress that may not appear until years later..

Central just be very,very sure that in the short term you don't throw away something really worth keeping.

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by Maggy J

Married or not the issue is making sure his son is happy

V. True.