Jokes Thread

[Gareth]

Ronaldo (to Burger King waiter): “Two Whoppers please”
Waiter: “OK, ‘you’re not fat’ and ‘you’ve still got it’!!! ”

[Orior]

deleted

[Derek]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The
shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting
Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is
taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked
a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin
with mice. On arrival the tried to blow up the airport because of
Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed
them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to
then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is
placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.


A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000 ,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for
law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[altis]

A man walked into the ladies department of a M&S and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the assistant. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

[Orior]

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

































Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're ****ed.

IN-FLIGHT SERVICE

A passenger boards his plane and is promptly shown to his seat, where
he is given a drink and some snacks.

As he settles down for the flight, he hears this voice saying to him,
"Man, you're looking GOOD today!" Startled, but not displeased the man
looks around to see who said it - howver, the seats beside him are
empty and the stewardess was nowhere to be seen - so thinking it was
meant for somebody else, he settles back down and starts reading the
in-flight magazine.

A few minutes later, he hears the voice again, "Wow, did anyone ever
tell you you could pass for a movie star!" The man is again surprised,
and looks round again, but cannot see anybody who would have said it,
so settles back into reading his magazine, muttering to himself "Must
be somebody else."

"No, I mean you handsome," the voice says to him. Now the man is
worried, and calls the stewardess over.

"I'm sorry Miss," he explains, "But I need a stiff drink - I keep
hearing this voice telling me how good I look."

"Ah," she says, "that'll be the complimentary peanuts."

[Gareth]

An old one (so old that the company doesn't exist any more!) but a good one...

Stewardess: "Thank you for flying TransWorld Airways. Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"

Passenger: "No, but I'd love some of your TWA tea...."

[Gareth]

Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking at himself in the mirror. "I'm not suprised," replies the doctor. "You're a c***!"

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Gareth

Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking at himself in the mirror. "I'm not suprised," replies the doctor. "You're a c***!"

Very good, love the avatar btw

[Alan E]

This is creepy. I have tried this lots of times & it's always right.

http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Alan.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."
"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

----------------------------------

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[SnoopZ]

Originally Posted by Alan E

This is creepy. I have tried this lots of times & it's always right.

http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Alan.

Good stuff!

(not me btw) powerpoint or a viewer needed

[punky]

Not having a pop at you Zingle mate... But this Powerpoint jokes p**s me off... Why not just type the damn thing as text?!

[danielf]

Originally Posted by punky

Not having a pop at you Zingle mate... But this Powerpoint jokes p**s me off... Why not just type the damn thing as text?!

But you'd miss out on that lovely young lady...