Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,

"Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win ÃÃâ€*’Æâ€℠¢*ÃÃâ€*’â€Ã⠀¦Ã‚¡ÃƒÆ’‚£ 1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger.

Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won ÃÃâ€*’Æâ€℠¢*ÃÃâ€*’â€Ã⠀¦Ã‚¡ÃƒÆ’‚£ 1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder!
But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........



... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[SnoopZ]

I support England in the world cup and hope they do well,but this made me laugh.....

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.


"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Derek]

Shamlessly stolen from Tam Cowan in todays Daily Record.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock moves forward a minute God knows they have done something wrong."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person makes a stupid comment, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Ian Wright's clock. We decided to use it as a fan"

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by SnoopZ

I support England in the world cup and hope they do well,but this made me laugh.....
<snipped>

Already posted at
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...een#post762193

and

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...een#post758039

[SnoopZ]

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BESC (Bombay Electric Supply Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?”
“Yes…… speaking”
BESC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the BESC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files …… HOW ?????”
“Yes …………. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue”
“GOD !!!!!!……… this is too much……….”
“Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue”
“I know that ……. let me talk to my husband about this tonight. …. he will speak to your company tomorrow ”
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to BESC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at BESC, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? and if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

A forwarded Email

TAKE NOTE OF THE LAST SENTENcE)

A Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy"
at Microsoft.
The
HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning
the floor as a
test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail
address and
I'll
send you the application to fill in, as well as date
when you may
start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither
an email". "I'm
sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an
email, that means
you
do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what
to do, with only
10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the
supermarket and buy a
10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door
to door round.
In
less than two hours, he succeeded to double his
capital. He repeated
the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
started to go
everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money
doubled or tripled
every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck,
and then he had
his
own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food
retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to
have a life
insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a
protection
plan.

When the conversation was concluded the broker asked
him his email.
The
man replied, "I don't have an email." The broker
answered curiously,
"You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to
build an empire.
Can you imagine what you could have been if you had
an e mail?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be
an office boy at
Microsoft!"

Moral of the story
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you
can be a
millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by email, you are
closer to being an
office boy/girl, than a millionaire...

P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I am
closing my email &
going to sell tomatoes!!!

---------- Post added at 08:42 ---------- Previous post was at 08:35 ----------

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
a. If a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Kleenex box. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed
the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next !"

AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


Dear Diary,



For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the


dear) purchased a week of personal training at the


local health club for me. Although I am still in


great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I


decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


Called the club and made my reservation with a


personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified


herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model


for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed


pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club


encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out


of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at


the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She


was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair,


dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo


Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the


machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the


treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so


fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in


her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the


skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics


class after my workout today. Very inspiring,


Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,


although my gut was already aching from holding it


in the whole time she was around. This is going to


be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I


finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie


on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,


and then she put weights on it! My legs were a


little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full


mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all


worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for


me.


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by


laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving


my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a


hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as


I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a


GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient


with me, insisting that my screams bothered other


club members. Her voice is a little too perky that


early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets


this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest


hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me


on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone


invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered


obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help


me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other


**** too.


THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her


vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were

pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help


being a half an hour late; it took me that long to


tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with


dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid


in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then,


as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which


I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any


human being has ever hated any other human being in


the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic


little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body


I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat


her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps


I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want


dents in the floor, don't hand me the F***NG


Barbells or anything that weighs more than a


sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on


a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have


been someone softer, like the drama coach or the


choir director?


SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering


machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why


I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me


want to smash the machine with my planner. However,


I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and


ended up catching eleven straight hours of the


Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for


services today so I can go and thank GOD that this


week is over. I will also pray that next year, my


wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is


fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy

[Orior]

Read ALL the numbers...slowly!! Be careful you don't miss any
1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10


11


12


13


14


15


16


17


18


19


20


21


22


23


24


25


26


27


28


29


30


VERY GOOD !!

Now, tomorrow we'll do A B C

[Halcyon]

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football
shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter
and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round
the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt
in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would
like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the
head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would
like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the
head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says,
"Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German *******s"

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my
friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Twofer

1)

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2)

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

He says: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light) the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.

I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a wink and a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
Remember, he's a German Pope.)

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

So bust him," says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

[MovedGoalPosts]

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?”

And God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”

And God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God ... can I have a penny?”

And God said, “Sure ... In a minute.”

[budwieser]

A reporter is interviewing sir paul mcCartney about his divorce and asks him
" Well Paul, When the divorce is over do you ever think you`ll go down on one knee again?"
Sir paul relies " I would but i`d prefer it if you called her Heather"



---------- Post added at 18:26 ---------- Previous post was at 18:24 ----------

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair,
he had his first meeting with a demon. The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead,
remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The Devil said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

---------- Post added at 18:27 ---------- Previous post was at 18:26 ----------

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
I'll give you a £100 if you let me have you!" But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for £200, then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.


She replied, "The ******* used one pence coins!"