Jokes Thread

[Florence]

sent to me today had to laugh but apologise to all Americans.

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave c ars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psyc hic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Short story



A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The short story had to contain the following three things:



(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.



There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:



Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.



Well I thought it was funny, ok I'll get me coat.

[Ramrod]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread

[Raistlin]

Mary had a little lamb,
It followed her to the shops
and gamboled in the road one day,
it ended up as chops.
__________________

Mary had a little lamb.....












The midwife fainted!

[Orior]

Mary had a little bear,
And it ws very kind,
And everywhere that Mary went,
You could see here bear behind.

[Raistlin]

2 Nuns were sitting on park bench when a streaker ran past;
one of them had a stroke, the other wasn't quite quick enough

Originally Posted by Raistlin

Mary had a little lamb.....

The midwife fainted!

Mary had a little lamb,
The midwife's eyes were wide,
But when MacDonald had a farm
The midwife nearly died!

[punky]

Mary had a little lamb,
But she really wanted a horse,
She got Anthony Worrell-Thompson in
And had it with some mint sauce.

[iadom]

Mary had a little lamb,

she put it in a bucket,

and every time the lamb got out,

the bulldog tried to.......................put it bacK again.

[Nikko]

Mary had a little lamb,
And it was full of frolics
Until one day it jumped the fence,
And knocked off half its......................tail

[Gareth]

Two nuns, Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical, went out of their convent for a nice long walk. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to attack us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only thing to do is run faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the other way. He can't follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: [/i]Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down ... (And you thought it would be dirty! Shame on you! Say two "Hail Marys"...)

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they'd...








... Fall off!

[carlingman]

Mary had a little lamb
It was forever grunting
She tied it to five bar gate
And kicked its little crutch in (polite version)

[Nikko]

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was pink as pink
It got up on the draining board
And piddled in the sink

[Raistlin]

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its a*se
and turned its wool to nylon