Jokes Thread

Nicolas Cage walks into a bar with John Travolta in 1997.

The barman says "why the wrong face?"

[joglynne]

Not sure where this originated to give the author credit and not sure where to post it but had to share. Enormous thanks to Maggy for helping me smile this morning.

10 points to consider as 2020 ends

1 The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3 The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4 This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5 Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6 Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7 I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8 I need to practice social-distancing ....from the refrigerator.

9 I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip out to the bins!

10 Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.


Does anyone have any to add?

[heero_yuy]

I thought of all the things I should give up for new year but I don't want to be accused of being a quitter.

[Hom3r]

As I awoke this morning,
When all things sweet are born,
A robin perched upon my sill
To hail a happy morn.

He looked so young and fragile,
So sweetly did he sing,
That thoughts of joy and happiness
Into my heart did spring.

I smiled discreetly to myself
As I paused beside my bed,
Then quickly brought the window down,
And smashed his little head!

[1andrew1]

https://twitter.com/andrewtucker75/s...80275125190656

[heero_yuy]

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

[heero_yuy]

Citizen: How do I know that you're a genuine taxman?
Taxman: Pass me a stone.

Joke going around in Russia now:

"The police reported several hundred protesters on Saturday, and a few thousand of them were arrested."

[TheDaddy]

I don't tell many people this but my great grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two, in fact many people think it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot

[Hom3r]

Me: Doctor I've swallowed my Fountain Pen, what can I do?


Dr: Use a pencil

[tweetiepooh]

I think my rooster is ill...it just laid an egg!

----
PC : I think we can close the Dick Turpin case sarge, we found his hiding place!
Sarge : Where was that?
PC : Highgate Cemetery



(Adapted from The Goons).

[TheDaddy]

Two cows were playing cards and smoking weed

The steaks were very high

[Hom3r]

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

or

Jand ate her friend's colon