Jokes Thread - Page 118

Jimi · 23-01-2014, 01:09

Juan Mata has just been arrested on the M6,police say he tried a u-turn.

weenie · 23-01-2014, 13:30

LITTLE JOHNNY... KNOW IT ALL

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's bag. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

weenie · 27-02-2014, 02:23

There are a lot of jokes about women so here are some for us ladies and all about men ...

Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you call a man with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask directions

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.

sorry guy's

Cobbydaler · 27-02-2014, 05:32

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler:

Jimi · 27-02-2014, 08:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by weenie

There are a lot of jokes about women so here are some for us ladies and all about men ...

Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you call a man with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask directions

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.

sorry guy's

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weenie · 27-02-2014, 09:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimi

Jimi · 27-02-2014, 11:09

I'll lay eggs,oops, I mean odds that you are the wee blue burd,right?

weenie · 27-02-2014, 11:18

????? wot at the end and sleeping lol or fae Larky haha bet ya I'll get into bother for writing that ...

weenie · 27-02-2014, 15:09

What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
Homeless.

weenie · 27-02-2014, 22:29

as I posted jokes for the ladies here is one for you guy's
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Jimi · 28-02-2014, 00:04

Italian geezer walks intae a bar in Rome and makes a V sign tae the barman then shouts "5 pints grazie."

weenie · 28-02-2014, 00:41

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Jimi · 28-02-2014, 01:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by weenie

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Oi,I posted that joke in the Beano in 1978.

---------- Post added at 00:06 ---------- Previous post was at 00:01 ----------

Paddy and Mick sitting at the bar, Paddy has a chip shop. He says to Mick, I'm making no money so I'm turning it into a brothel. Mick says FFS Paddy if ye can't sell chips how do you expect to sell soup.

---------- Post added at 00:09 ---------- Previous post was at 00:06 ----------

Pat n Mick are in a pub drinking their beers,feelin a wee bit hungry they both open a packet of sandwiches they brought with them.
"Excuse me" says the barman "yer not allowed to bring in your own sandwiches."
So they swopped them over.

weenie · 28-02-2014, 01:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimi

Oi,I posted that joke in the Beano in 1978.

---------- Post added at 00:06 ---------- Previous post was at 00:01 ----------

Paddy and Mick sitting at the bar, Paddy has a chip shop. He says to Mick, I'm making no money so I'm turning it into a brothel. Mick says FFS Paddy if ye can't sell chips how do you expect to sell soup.

---------- Post added at 00:09 ---------- Previous post was at 00:06 ----------

Pat n Mick are in a pub drinking their beers,feelin a wee bit hungry they both open a packet of sandwiches they brought with them.
"Excuse me" says the barman "yer not allowed to bring in your own sandwiches."
So they swopped them over.

Showing your age old one

better watch out or I'll start calling you Old Jimi

Derek · 28-02-2014, 11:16

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West.

He walks up to the bar and announces 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'