Jokes Thread

[Mick Fisher]

Originally Posted by thenry

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying. His mom asked him "How do you feel?" He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"

[Kymmy]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address...

...and without realizing his error, sent the email..



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends.. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 02 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P.S. It's bloody hot down here!

[Nanook]

[1701-e]

Natasha Giggs on channel 5. Just like Ryan will be in a few weeks

---------- Post added at 13:22 ---------- Previous post was at 13:22 ----------

I hate it when people on the bus watch pornography....... Over my shoulder.

[Ramrod]

"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

[1701-e]

Just had a Whopper in Burger King....

Had to pull the chain twice to flush it away!

[Woolly One]

Today is soundcheck day :-

12. 1. 12.

[Kymmy]

Lots of AWT jokes about atm

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson's jacket.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.

Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters.

Antony Worrall Thompson was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.

Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn't very mature.

Jamie Oliver can feed a family of 4 for £5 at Sainsbury. Anthony Worral Thompson can feed a family of 5 for nothing at Tesco.

There's also a video (can't post a link as it contains a naughty calendar but search for lambshank redemption)

[budwieser]

The Funeral
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother in law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non antagonistic relationship. To no avail,
she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother in law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would say something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and talked to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this strange behaviour, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, the women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

A trucker stops for a red light on the A13 (trunk road to the sea, Essex) a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of Her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..........

Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving a gritter......."

[Cobbydaler]

A recent survey by the BBC has found that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy....

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by Cobbydaler

A recent survey by the BBC has found that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy....

and only 1 out of 7 are grumpy.

[multiskilled]

Seven dwarves in a bath, they all felt Happy.Happy jumped out,they all felt Grumpy!

[Gary L]

I'm not feeling myself today. I haven't felt myself all day. I wasn't feeling myself yesterday either. I'll probably be alright tomorrow and back to feeling myself again.

[Kymmy]

I saw this one and thought of Russ...sowwy Russ

...And on the seventh day....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"
... ... ... ...
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth."For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things".

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's England , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, valleys, forests, hills, and fields of green. The people from England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Wales . Wait till you see the plonkers I put there.."

[1701-e]

Took my gran to that Dignitas place for her final hours.
Went down for for breakfast but they only served Cheerios.