16-06-2010, 12:44
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#1426
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Permanently Banned
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Wales UK
Age: 44
Services: 50mb Cable, L TV and Phone XL.
Posts: 3,480
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Doctor to the patient
"Are you an organ donor?"
Patient "No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
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16-06-2010, 18:15
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#1427
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cf.geek
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Blackpool
Services: Broadband XL
TV XL
Phone - A device with buttons that makes a funny noise when it rings!
Posts: 929
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by two points. One question was where do women mostly have curly hair? - Apparently, it's Africa!
The other question was to name two things commonly found in cells, could have sworn that Scousers and Pikeys was the correct answer!
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."
The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross said "although I had enough money on me at the time, it was a whisk I was prepared to take".
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen.
That's enough for now, sigh............................................!
Si thee 
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19-06-2010, 14:18
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#1428
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Age: 44
Posts: 14,750
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A quiz for Police Officers:
“You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?”
British POLICE OFFICER’S Answer:
” Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in
an H&S approved fashion?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999, would they just send me a taxi?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint
and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behaviour
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he
falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
Will the tax payer – or me- have to foot the bill for his claim if I injure him?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity
to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family
home?
Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I
be offending his family, ethnic background or religious group if I wound or kill him?
Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? “
———————————————————————-
Australian Officer’s Answer:
BANG!
American Officer’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click. Click (sound of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
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19-06-2010, 19:42
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#1429
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laeva recumbens anguis
Cable Forum Team
Join Date: Jun 2006
Age: 68
Services: Premiere Collection
Posts: 43,806
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A man goes into a restaurant, where all the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order; "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "erm, mate, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'".
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19-06-2010, 21:19
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#1430
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: NW UK
Posts: 3,546
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
BP have announced the appointment of Rob Green as their new CEO, a spokesman said "He is the perfect person for the position, he is an expert at spillage and has already earned a reputation for helping Americans through a tough time"
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20-06-2010, 13:44
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#1431
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cf.mega poster
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Cambridgeshire
Age: 64
Posts: 4,232
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by bw41101
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by two points. One question was where do women mostly have curly hair? - Apparently, it's Africa!
The other question was to name two things commonly found in cells, could have sworn that Scousers and Pikeys was the correct answer!
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."
The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross said "although I had enough money on me at the time, it was a whisk I was prepared to take".
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen.
That's enough for now, sigh............................................!
Si thee |
Loved em mate. 
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20-06-2010, 13:50
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#1432
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Inactive
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 18,385
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by bw41101
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen.
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Gonna slap you silly for that one!!!! 
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20-06-2010, 14:39
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#1433
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Inactive
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: London, HA0
Age: 37
Posts: 1,031
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
....Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on it in support of the England team. Its called the laughing stock. 
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20-06-2010, 15:16
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#1434
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: NW UK
Posts: 3,546
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I don't know why everyone is criticising Heskey. I think he's been solid in defence for Algeria.
If you can't beat 'em . . . . join the England squad, you'll fit right in.
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20-06-2010, 23:53
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#1435
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
The Brazilian rainforest has almost gone, all thats left is a thin strip down the middle.
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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21-06-2010, 20:59
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#1436
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common as muck
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Dirty Old Town
Posts: 3,544
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Any members want to buy a 50" plasma TV for £75? The volume button doesn't work, but you can't turn it down at that price!
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24-06-2010, 19:15
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#1437
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cf.geek
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Blackpool
Services: Broadband XL
TV XL
Phone - A device with buttons that makes a funny noise when it rings!
Posts: 929
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
An eminent Japanese Professor has discovered after extensive research that there are two size ranges of penis (class one - above two inches and class two - 2 inches or smaller when erect) amongst UK men.
In order to maximise on the statistical analysis, the professor had appealed for help to continue his research.
In view of this, he asked (several weeks ago) whether all men in the UK who fall into the class two category make themselves known over a six week period by flying a white flag with a red cross from their vehicles and (if possible) displaying the same flags at their homes and work locations?
The result of this analysis (so far) indicates that class two is (in fact) the norm and not class one as originally thought - the analysis continues!
Well I never!
Si thee
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24-06-2010, 20:34
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#1438
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cf.geek
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Near Newcastle upon Tyne
Services: Player tv , V6, phone l, bb 100Meg.
Posts: 901
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Strangely he also reported that in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland there are no class two men.Only in England
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24-06-2010, 20:39
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#1439
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laeva recumbens anguis
Cable Forum Team
Join Date: Jun 2006
Age: 68
Services: Premiere Collection
Posts: 43,806
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by multiskilled
Strangely he also reported that in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland there are no class two men.Only in England
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Yep, that's right - all the Englishmen are second-class......
__________________
Thank you for calling the Abyss.
If you have called to scream, please press 1 to be transferred to the Void, or press 2 to begin your stare.
If my post is in bold and this colour, it's a Moderator Request.
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08-07-2010, 10:21
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#1440
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cf.geek
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Blackpool
Services: Broadband XL
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Phone - A device with buttons that makes a funny noise when it rings!
Posts: 929
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. 
Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' 
She did this faithfully for several months and to her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs  !
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. 
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
'Yes I am... she said How did you know?'
He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock ..."
Si thee
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