Jokes Thread

[LondonRoad]

Staying on a Scottish theme

From today's Herald diary:

A Scottish Christmas Fairy.



I am a wee little fairy;

On tap o’ the Christmas Tree

It’s no’ a job I fancy

Well how would you like tae be me;

A’ tarted up wi’ tinsel

It’s enough to mak ye boak

An a couple o’ jaggy branches

Rammed up the back o’ your frock

An’ these wee lights a’roon me

I canna get my sleep

An’ there’s the yearly visit

Fae Santa – big fat creep;

On Christmas Day I’m stuck up here

While you’re a’ wirin’ in

An’ naebody says “Hey you up there

Could you go a slug o’ gin?�

The Christmas tree’s a bonny sight

As the firelight softly flickers

But think o’ me – I’m stuck up here

Wi’ needles in my knickers.



Burns would be proud.

[budwieser]

Sent to me someone.

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet, so that it would be like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "that would be defeeting the porpoise."

[Derek]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

*SNIP*

Here is your coat. The door is that way.

[Gary L]

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by Gary L

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

I did not know that you were married, whats your husband like.

Originally Posted by Moldova

I did not know that you were married, whats your husband like.

Shurely he must be in a civil partnership.....

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Shurely he must be in a civil partnership.....

I could not resist posting that.

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by Moldova

I did not know that you were married, whats your husband like.

He likes a lot of things

Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Boss, this guy is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my darn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my darn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "Okay, okay, okay! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...frakk off..... you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Cobbydaler]

A cowboy walks into a German car franchise & says...

Spoiler: 

Audi partner!

[bw41101]

Amazingly simple home remedies (that really work!)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Gentlemen, avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4.. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you won't dare cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Si thee

[Sox]

Three friends married a woman from different parts of the UK.

The first married a London Girl.He told her to do the dishes and the house cleaning.On the first day he didn't see much difference.On the second day he saw much improvment.On the third day he came home to see his house clean and the dishes washed and put away.

The Second man married a Birmingham girl.He told her to do all the dishes,keep the house clean and do the cooking.On the first day he didn't see any improvment,on the second day he saw things where better,on the third day he came home from work and saw his house was clean,the dishes where washed and clean and there was a huge dinner on the table for him.


The third man married a Liverpool girl.He told her she had to keep the house clean,,clean the dishes,and do the laundry,and have a hot meal ready for him when he came home from work every night.On the first day he couldn't see anything,on the second day he still couldn't see anything.On the third day the swelling had gone down on his left eye,his arm was healed enough so he could make himself a sandwich and wash his plate but he still had difficulty peeing.

[Welshchris]

We were discussing great rulers earlier. I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof

[bw41101]

With all of the recent snow we've been having, thought this would raise a smile:

The Diary of a Londoner living in the Scottish Highlands.


OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND

16th December

Moved in on the 12th and after a lot of hassle finally got settled. Last of the furniture arrived this morning. Sky's looking decidedly gray looks like we could be in for some snow. Wonder if we might be having a White Christmas - last time I experienced that was back in the 70's when I was a youngster.

19th December

It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here.

20th December

We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself.

22nd December

Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun.

26th December

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.

29th December

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my backside in the driveway and ended up in casualty, luckily nothing broken!

2nd January

Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white sh**e last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. The bas***d snowplough came by twice today Where's the bloody shovel?

5th January

More f*****g snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power went and stayed off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house. Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

8th January

F*****g white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little bas****s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back and as for their f*****g snowman, I'll shove that carrot so far up their ar**s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it and if I ever catch the wa**er that drives the snowplough, I'll rip open his chest and chew out his heart with my teeth! I reckon the bas***d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g drive again!

10th January

Sixteen more f*****g inches of f*****g snow, f*****g ice, f*****g sleet and God knows whatever other white sh**e fell last night. Can't move my f*****g toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with a cricket bat. Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f*****g snow forecast!!!

14th January

F**k this!! We're moving back to London.