Jokes Thread

[Sox]

Well,Sox,said the doctor.I can't quite diagnose your case.I think it must be the drink.
Sure,that all right,doctor,I replied,I know how you feel.I'll come back when your sober.

[willie]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'


6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'


9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'


10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'


11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'

---------- Post added at 18:57 ---------- Previous post was at 18:56 ----------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'- She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER'- She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'


3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'- She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITYIMPAIRED.'


7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY'- She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.'


8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'


9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'


11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'


12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

[Sox]

Rod asked Todd how he got his black eye.
'You'd never believe it,' said Todd, ' but I got it in church.'
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
'All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me.' said Paddy.
A week later Rod was surprised to see Todd had another black eye.
'I got this one in church,too,' said Todd
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
'My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out.But I knew she didn't like that,so I leaned over and tucked it back in.'

[Peter_]

AVAILABLE NOW - CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME

***OPEN TO MEN ONLY***

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided as will instructions on how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS/ BOTTLES; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Role playing and slide show

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course)

[budwieser]

Can`t remember if i`ve posted these before but if i have, sorry!

Subject: Irish Sausages!

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?"
asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly. Or, if I asked for
German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? then, warming to
his theme, he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps
it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me
if I was French?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because
I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f**king Homebase."

MENOPAUSE JEWELLRY
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've
discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a
bad mood, it leaves a big ****in' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next
time he'll buy me a diamond.
********.!!!!

[Matty_]

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into there mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as "E`by`gum"

[Xaccers]

I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on holiday for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my dad if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was furious and told him in no uncertain terms to get his meat out of GF and GTFO!

Needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF out.

Now it's been 2 weeks that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my dad had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more. Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's pics of my GF for you lot as I know you'll ask.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/3034/85743524.jpg

[Matty_]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[bw41101]

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.' Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire'missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss....and probably nae be a f*cking accident either!

[Welshchris]

I was suprised to hear that Johnathan Ross was arrested for stealing Kitchen Utensels from M&S.... He said afterwards "It was a whisk i was prepared to take"

[Turkey Machine]

Put yourself in the corner for that.

[Welshchris]

was it that bad? lol

Yes.

Almost as bad as this one

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really", said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover".

[Welshchris]

What about this one....

What u call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
Anette

[Turkey Machine]

Can somebody slap him with a fish, before I continue groaning?