Jokes Thread

[kangaroosterrier]

A father takes his son aside and says, “Boy, today I’m going to tell you about the birds and the bees.”

The little lad protests: “No, dad, don’t tell me. Please. You can tell me anything but, not, please never, tell me about the birds and the bees.”

The confused dad looks at his son worryingly and asks, “But why, boy? What’s the matter?”

“Well, two years ago when I was six you came and told me the tooth fairy wasn’t real, that it was just you or mommy putting the money under my pillow and taking the tooth. Last year you said there’s no Santa Claus, that he’s nothing but a marketing gimmick and that it’s just you and everybody else’s daddy in a suit. And now if you’re going to tell me that men and women don’t really have sex when they’re all grown up, well then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

[frogstamper]

Not so much a joke, but a rather amusing ditty to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore's, A British Tar.

A British Bar.

A British bar is a boring hole,
that's filled with a bunch of guys,
But you can get a beer,
If you let one bend your ear,
And tell you a pack of lies.

His nose gets long as he spouts his verse,
His breath is bad and his armpits worse,
His voice is loud with a slurring drawl,
And his fist be ever ready for a bar room brawl.

So should you meet this British bore,
A man who has nothing to say,
Just act dumb and meek
Till he has to take a leak,
Then slip out the alleyway.

When he comes back and he finds your gone,
He wont care a less, he'll still ramble on,
He'll find another to bore to tears,
And this he'll do forever and a dozen years,

A dozen years...A dozen years.

[Ramrod]

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie asked each girl what career they wanted to pursue.

Mary said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."
Sister Marie said, "Very good choice."

Anne said, "I want to help the elderly."
Sister Marie replied, "Good job for you."

Sarah said, "I don't have much money, so I have no choice but to become a prostitute."
Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

When she came to, Sarah said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute, but I really need the money."

Sister Marie said, "A prostitute! Oh, thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"

[wigro]

Just given up my job in the helium balloon factory , aint going to be spoken to like that .

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by wigro

Just given up my job in the helium balloon factory , aint going to be spoken to like that .

Haha!

[Raistlin]

I bought eight legs of venison off a bloke in a pub last night, it cost me £60.

Does anybody know if that's too dear?

[Graham M]

Oh god.

Depends if they were hind legs............

I was offered a plasma tv the other day for £50 but was told the remote control was broken. I could not turn it down

[LondonRoad]

Originally Posted by David F

I was offered a plasma tv the other day for £50 but was told the remote control was broken. I could not turn it down

[altis]

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.

Right, if we are descending to that level..................


Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes?



A. A piiig

[Mr_love_monkey]

alright then....


Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?

A: A walk.



I thank you!

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Originally Posted by Rob M

I bought eight legs of venison off a bloke in a pub last night, it cost me £60.

Does anybody know if that's too dear?

i know what you watched on TV last night

---------- Post added at 23:09 ---------- Previous post was at 23:07 ----------

Q: What do you call a woman who plays pool balancing a pint on her head

A: Beatrix Potter