Jokes Thread

Would that be a BYO party?

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

... BYO ...?

Bring Your Obstetrician?

Do you think they would drink from stirrup-cups?

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Do you think they would drink from stirrup-cups?

Surely that's a speculumative theory?

I hope they would wash the forceps before they use them to put ice in the drinks.....

[Orior]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

But what about the lollypop?

No, I'm not falling for that one again.

Q. What is 6 feet x 4 feet x 1 feet, is full of springs, foam and concrete?

[tphj]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

OMG....................

What's next - jokes about piccaninnies, Massa', and Ol' Man Ribber?

[TheDaddy]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

One day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels! ‘The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. One o’clock came, and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock and he hadn’t returned.

Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.’

[alferret]

Daddy's
car in the woods?


Little
Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little
Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as
he
ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the
playground

and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight.'

At
the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy
fainted!

[Hom3r]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox News, he responded. 'And I need to get some close-up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[cimt]

Top 9 Comments Made By Announcers During The Olympics That They Would Like To Take Back

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria ..? I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...? Oh my God, what have I just said?

[frogstamper]

Excellent post cimt, very funny indeed, it just goes to show you can't beat live television for some choice commentators comments.

[Ramrod]

MY LIVING WILL
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the lounge and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch.

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

MY LIVING WILL
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the lounge and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch.

I reckon that joke's trying for a record, 4x in this thread, plus 1 of its own.