Jokes Thread

[Ramrod]

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"
The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

[TheDaddy]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT
FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
£250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present Landlady.

[Orior]

Originally Posted by willie

Edited so as not to offend


Recently on Family Fortunes 100 (insert football teams name here) fans were asked to name a fish begining with the letter S, 98 of the daft bar stewards replied single

I dont get it.

[frogstamper]

Originally Posted by Orior

I dont get it.

Your not alone, neither did I.

[multiskilled]

Originally Posted by frogstamper

Your not alone, neither did I.

I suspect the op is getting S mixed up with F with the reply being "finger"

[willie]

Originally Posted by Orior

I dont get it.

Perhaps this may be a regional thing but i am sure the brothers north of the border will get it....

Originally Posted by willie

Perhaps this may be a regional thing but i am sure the brothers north of the border will get it....

is it something to do with kippers????

[Cobbydaler]

A single fish is fish without chips.

Link

Apparently Fish 'n Deep Fried Mars Bars is more popular nowadays...

[frogstamper]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "my wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minuets apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No you idiot," the man shouts "its her husband"

[TheDaddy]

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
....
....
...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there’s a love.

[Mr_love_monkey]

don't suppose we could have a smaller font could we? - it makes it very painful on the eyes.

Ta

[TheDaddy]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of melife!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. Ye know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[Graham M]

LoL thats quite clever

[Cobbydaler]

ARSENAL F.C.

END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

Starter

Egg on Face

Seasoned Hash

Frogs legs (past their best)

Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

Main course

Humble Pie

Chump Chops

French (has) Beans

Manager's Beef (not rare)

Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)

NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

Dessert

Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)

Fruitless Tarts

Raspberry Fools

Hard Cheese

Drinks

Bitter

Little Spirit

French Whine

Cabernet Empty 2008

Champagne - sorry none ordered

STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Guest speakers:

Mr Rafael Benitez and Sir Alex Ferguson - "What it's like to win the European Cup"