Jokes Thread

[anniesapple13]

Originally Posted by Earl of Bronze

And another funny email.......


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window

that was good . thanks for the post

Probably been done, but what the heck....

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[goldoni]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understandwhat they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --

why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[mrmistoffelees]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a
Local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh
Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
Villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
Takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
Regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect
Me from the elements."
Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar"

[altis]

By a remarkable coincidence, and with great pizzaz, Japanese motor engineers, have today, announced a new motor caravan - the Nissan Dorma.

[goldoni]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going
to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those
results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,




JESUS SAVES

[Orior]

Q. What's pink and hard?

A. A pig with a flick-knife.

[TheDaddy]

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

[Cobbydaler]

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load! "Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your
load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

Spoiler: 

"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a gritter!"

[xpod]

I do miss my more moderate climate back home in Bonnie Scotland

40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

 -10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

[Cobbydaler]

Why do geeks think Halloween and Christmas occur on the same day?

Because 31oct = 25dec...

Originally Posted by Cobbydaler

Why do geeks think Halloween and Christmas occur on the same day?

Because 31oct = 25dec...

Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan....

[Xaccers]

How many letters are there in the alphabet at christmas time?

[Cobbydaler]

Originally Posted by Xaccers

How many letters are there in the alphabet at christmas time?

25......




Noel....

[PS1]

wife gets naked and asks hubby,"what turns you on more,my pretty face or my sexy body?"hubby looks her up and down and replies;"huh,thats easy.....,your sense of humour!"