Jokes Thread

[Paul K]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

[Ramrod]

Stroke victims

Three elderly ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke. Then Betty also had a stroke.

But Patsy being older and more feeble couldn't reach that far.

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

Stroke victims

Three elderly ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke. Then Betty also had a stroke.

But Patsy being older and more feeble couldn't reach that far.

That has to be the oldest joke I've seen on here for ages, perhaps we should set a poll up to find the worst/ oldest

Here is my entry

Three Doctors are arguing about which types of patients they prefer:


Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''


Doctor Spock says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''


Doctor McCoy says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

[Paul K]

Got this elsewhere:

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the
nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[Gareth]

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following titles are planned for release next year...

* 9 1/2 Leeks
* Treforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American Werewolf in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time Forgot
* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
* The Bridge on the River Wye
* The King and Mair
* The Sheepshag Redemption
* Breakfast at Taffynys
* Look Back in Bangor
* Evans Can Wait
* A Fishguard Called Rhondda
* Where Eagles Aberdare
* Dial M For Merthyr

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Gareth

* The Sheepshag Redemption

Classic

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Gareth

* The Sheepshag Redemption

LMAO! That reminded me of an article I saw on The Register the other week.

[altis]

If James Dyson had made his millions from kitchen goods instead of vacuum cleaners - would he be a fridge magnate?

[Orior]

Question: 2 put it in, 1 puts it in one's mouth and wets it 2 makes it hard

What's going on?

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Orior

Question: 2 put it in, 1 puts it in one's mouth and wets it 2 makes it hard

What's going on?

Crikey I thought I was reading the 'what would you do' thread for a moment

[Russ]

Madonna's recently opened a new chain of curryhouses called.....

..Poppadom Preach.

[Hom3r]

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:


1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

11. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

12. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

13. Parallel fines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

14. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

15. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

16. A circle is a fine which meets its other end without ending.

17. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

18. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

19. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

20. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of longhaired sheep.

21. If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

22. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

23. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

24. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than ft can hold.

25. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

26. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

28. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

29. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

30. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

31. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

32. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

33. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

34. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill R.

35. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

36. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

37. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

38. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until R drops in your throat.

39. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

40. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

41. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

42. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

43. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

44. When you smell an odourless gas, It is probably carbon monoxide.

[Hom3r]

Sicknotes

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.
15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

[Gareth]

Breaking news: The Pakistanis have given up playing cricket. They taken up Bob Slaying instead

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by Gareth

Breaking news: The Pakistanis have given up playing cricket. They taken up Bob Slaying instead

Very poor taste.
I see CF has stuck with it's tradition of allowing insults against Pakistani's.