Jokes Thread

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh

[Lord Nikon]

*groan*

[Hom3r]

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes











A Piiig

What do you call a blind stag?







No eye-dear

Q what do you call a man with a spade on his head
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A Dug

Q what do you call a man with a rabbit on his head
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A Warren

Q what do you call a woman with a tile on her head
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A Ruth

Q what do you call a dog with no legs
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A it dont matter he ain gonna come

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and
I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh

Or would it be a ghot?

Originally Posted by Xaccers

Or would it be a ghot?

I've always liked that one, but liked your twist with the "i" removed from the end.

Another pronunciation one -

I have a cat called Ghlaghgheee









fluffy

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news and bad news."

"That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."


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What's the definition of an extrovert IT Technician?

One who stares at your shoes when he's talking to you.

[pedantic]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically , "Relatives
of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws".




WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry
your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason
has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband
then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I
can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened
the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that
it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not
equipped for these kinds of contests.

What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?


Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

A good looking chap walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed.

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Yours Sincerely,
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>>Dick van Dyke

[Marko Ramius]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[Orior]

I have a very funny help desk call, which I want to upload to the humour thread but it wont let me and says invalid file. It has an mp2 extension.

Any idea why?

[altis]

Originally Posted by Orior

I have a very funny help desk call, which I want to upload to the humour thread but it wont let me and says invalid file. It has an mp2 extension.

Any idea why?

Valid file extensions: bmp cfg doc gif jpe jpeg jpg pdf pk3 png pps ppt psd rar swf txt wav wmv xls zip