Jokes Thread

[Gareth]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Ramrod]

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

[TheDaddy]

I just got e mailed these awful puns/ jokes

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[Gareth]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

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"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[altis]

An Englishman walks into a pharmacy in Stockholm looking for deodorant. (You'll have to do an accent like the Swedish Chef yourself!)

Customer: Do you have any deodorant?
Assistant: Certainly sir - aerosol or ball?
Customer: Well it's for my armpits actually.

[Gareth]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed, he's 24 years old now,"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother, cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other, happily.

"He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum, quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed, he's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says. "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[punky]

Just got this tasteless joke through about Steve Irwin... If you don't like them, don't read them!

Spoiler: 

A bright and flashy Australian,
The Hunter was his name.
And all those slimey reptiles,
Brought him wealth and fame.
Some say he was a looker,
The girls said he was a dish,
He knew everything about crocodiles,
But f--- all about fish.

Originally Posted by Gareth

... snip ...."

Run...........
Run and hide..........
You have offended the unoffensive........
It's been nice knowing you

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Run...........
Run and hide..........
You have offended the unoffensive........
It's been nice knowing you

It's not been that nice

[Nemesis]

Now theres a thing .... Mr NugFart appears in the JOKE thread, nice to see you where you belong ....

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by Simon M

Now theres a thing .... Mr NugFart appears in the JOKE thread, nice to see you where you belong ....

At least I'm not in the funny pictures thread

---------- Post added at 16:32 ---------- Previous post was at 16:28 ----------

No, seriously - I'm not

[Cobbydaler]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit den,'' says the Irishman

Spoiler: 

"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Gareth]

*groan* that's awful

[Cobbydaler]

Thank you....

[SlackDad]

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If I ever come to that just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.