Jokes Thread

[lauzjp]

- To be treated for swine flu, apparently you need some oinkment.
- Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
- Have you heard about the man who phoned the doctor because he thought he had swine flu? All he got was crackling.
- It worked. Obama dumped swine flu into Mexican waterway on last trip. The entire border is now manned, secure & closed.
- it appears swine flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...
- swine flu is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
- A man walks into the doctors' and tells the doctor, "I think I've got swine flu." The doctor asks him, "How long have you felt like this?"
To which the man replies, "About a weeeeeeeek!"

[iadom]

I think I've got Swine Flu, I'm coming out in rashers.

[bw41101]

Paddy was working at the steel processing plant in Ballyhoolie when he accidentally cut off all the fingers from both of his hands. As luck would have it the hospital was only about half a mile down the road, so he ran all the way and burst into the emergency room - shouting:

"bejaisus io'v cut all of me fingers off somebody help me please".

With this, The doctor rushed in, quickly looked at Paddy and said,

'dont you be wooryin, io'l soon have ya as roit as rain, lets be avin' da fingers den and oi'l be sowing dem back on - oi will!

Paddy: 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
Doctor: 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Paddy: 'Oi said oi haven't got da fingers.'
Doctor: Ya eedjut - Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

Paddy: An just how da fek was I 'spose to pick dem up wi just me tumbs!!!



Sigh.............................!


Si thee

[pedantic]

I've just bought a Ricky Hatton toaster...

I'm taking it back though, the damn thing only does 2 rounds.

[on in an hour!]

paddy asks mick why divers roll backwards off the boat,easy says mick,if they rolled forwards they'd still be on the boat!!

[Turkey Machine]

Originally Posted by pedantic

I've just bought a Ricky Hatton toaster...

I'm taking it back though, the damn thing only does 2 rounds.

Y'know, you really should put a "SPOILER ALERT" with those kinds of jokes!

[altis]

Brian Eno composed the Windows 95 startup theme.................... on a Mac!

http://odeo.com/episodes/151957

Strange but true.

[bw41101]

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the U.K. made up of Afghans, Albanians, Bengalis, Bosnians, Caribbeans, Chinese, Croatians, Cypriots, Greeks, Hispanics, Indians, Iranians, Iraqis, Irish, Malays, Nigerians, Pakistanis, Poles, Somalis, Turks and an assortment of Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change over to the Euro?

99.9% said no,

They were all happy with the Giro.

[iadom]

Fencepost Tortoise?



While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

“Well, you know,” drawled the old farmer, “this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost tortoise.”

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.”

Jim.

[willie]

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[bopdude]

Not really a joke, more a life works

Got this elsewhere, made me chuckle out loud, they are all numbered number one because they all share the same importance

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[DocDutch]

bop if your mrs would read this what would happen to you i think more then sleeping on the sofa

[bopdude]

Originally Posted by DocDutch

bop if your mrs would read this what would happen to you i think more then sleeping on the sofa

Don't worry mate, she's due in just now and there's a copy on the fridge door

[iadom]

Karma at work:

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[bw41101]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck had gone out for the evening and had a fantastic time - so much so that they decided to spend the night together in a hotel room. As this was Donald's first chance to have his wicked way with Daisy he was eager to get going.

Daisy asks: "Do you have a condom"?
Donald replies: 'No"
Daisy replies: "then you go and get some"
Donald replies: "it doesn't matter we've known each other for ages"
Daisy replies: I don't care no condom - no nookie
Donald replies: "where am I going to get a condom at this time of the night?"
Daisy replies: "maybe they sell them at the front desk"

So Donald rushes down to the lobby and asks the hotel clerk if they have condoms.

"We sure do,' replies the clerk as he pulls a packet out from under the counter and hands it to Donald.

"Oh boy" remarks Donald, as the clerk grins and replies "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

Donald quacks in horror and replies "NO OF COURSE NOT - what do you take me for - a f*****g pervert!


Sigh........................................!

Si thee