Jokes Thread

[AndrewJ]

Originally Posted by Gareth

The Best Break up Letter Ever....

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letterââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¦.

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky.....

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.


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Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

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Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

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Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

†¢ On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
†¢ On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
†¢ On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
†¢ Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
†¢ In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
†¢ On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
†¢ On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[Ramrod]

Originally Posted by yesman

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

I have to add that, while very funny, I didn't see that in the Times last year (but it's possible that I was on holiday when it was printed)

[danielf]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

I have to add that, while very funny, I didn't see that in the Times last year (but it's possible that I was on holiday when it was printed)

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/berman.htm

It's still very funny though

If the word "service" means "contribution to the welfare of others" then what do these terms mean?

Inland Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Awarded an OBE for Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations


I was confused until I overheard a farmer talking about having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

.....and then I understood

[Gareth]

A few quick ones to bump this thread a bit...
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I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 20 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class,"What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n'Mary.
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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in the Algarve in Portugal. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He in turn swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister".
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[Angua]

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
pilots and control towers around the world.


Tower: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!



TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?
Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
I'm f ... ing bored!
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was f ... ing bored, not f ... ing
stupid!



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.
United 239: Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the
Little Fokker in sight.



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last
known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if, you are able. If you are not able. take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running a bit peaked.
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B~52 that had one engine shut down.
Ah, the fighter pilot remarked, The dreaded seven-engine approach.



Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned
to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant,What exactly, was the problem?
The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the flight attendant. It took us a while to find a new pilot.



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
Because you lost the bl**dy war.


Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702.
Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers.



There are more if wanted

[Raistlin]

Angua, you have a PM

[Angua]

Next lot

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC~8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206. "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One~Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."



While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am, l' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:





"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Graham]

Originally Posted by Angua

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

The following is an actual exchange between CF posters...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...ad.php?t=25957

[Ramrod]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

[Angua]

Originally Posted by Graham

The following is an actual exchange between CF posters...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...ad.php?t=25957

I did a search for Air traffic control to see if anyone has done these before and nothing came up

Sorry

[zovat]

Here's one ripped from computer stupidities...

I'm a Senior Tier 2 DSL tech for an ISP. External DSL "modems" (not really a modem, but actually a router) have lights which can often help diagnose specific situations. When a Speed Stream 5260 modem has a hardware failure, all four lights on it go red, and the only recourse is to replace it.

One day, I got a call from a customer who wanted to know if his DSL modem was cool enough to use. (Well, the 5260 IS kind of cute, so I thought it was a cool one to use.) I asked for clarification from the customer and was told that all four lights had gone red and that the modem had become too hot to touch. Obviously a major hardware failure had occurred, and there was a risk of fire, there, too. He said he called in previously to tier 1 support and was told to put the modem in the refrigerator to cool down.

I thought, "No, no tech would be stupid enough to tell him that!" But sure enough, the account notes I pulled up read, "Told customer to cool off modem in refrigerator and try it later."

That tech is no longer with us -- big surprise -- but I've wondered how in the world he got hired in the first place.

(could this tech now work for NTL ? )

[Ramrod]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
Half the people in the world are below average
Save the whales: collect the whole set .
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
[...]
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Many a true word is spoken in jest...!