14-09-2005, 19:44
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#226
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Inactive
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back in England, but not for long...
Services: Weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs
Posts: 3,422
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by marky
Ok people i want to wind my wife up, so i need some mother in law jokes please  |
I won't say my mother-in-law is fat, but she wore a white blouse to the cinema, and they showed the film on her back...
Six men attacked my mother-in-law in front of me. My wifeaid "Aren't you going to run for help?" I said "No, six of them should be able to manage...".
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14-09-2005, 20:06
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#227
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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,872
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by marky
Ok people i want to wind my wife up, so i need some mother in law jokes please |
Jimmy Jones joke: My mother-inlaw used to say to me "when I die I'm gonna come back and haunt you" when she died I buried her face doen and said "Dig you B*tch"
__________________
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
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14-09-2005, 22:26
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#228
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Permanently Banned
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Beal Feirste
Posts: 736
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Fact: My mother-in-law is so huge, she needs planning permission every time she goes to sit down.
Fact: I took my mother-in-law to the beauticians for a face-lift. It cost me £500, and that was just for the estimate.
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14-09-2005, 22:31
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#229
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10 yrs same company 😁
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Expanding Town with crap roads
Age: 64
Services: ? BB, basic phone. Share of Disney+
Posts: 7,665
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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14-09-2005, 22:42
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#230
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Inactive
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: bolton
Age: 54
Services: non
wife took control
Posts: 5,425
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Angua
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    and  in laughter
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14-09-2005, 22:47
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#231
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Treasure Island
Age: 78
Services: NTL cable 20mb Broadband, V+ package.
Posts: 1,971
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
My mother in law so big sunbathing, the coastguard had to ask her permission to let the tide in.
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15-09-2005, 00:14
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#232
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Inactive
Join Date: May 2005
Age: 59
Posts: 3,170
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Paging Bernard Manning...!
__________________
In the mean time:
Bill Gates joins the US Army and is on the firing range.
He shoots practically a whole magazine of bullets and doesn't hit the target once.
The Sergeant comes up to him and says "What do you think you're doing? You've missed with every shot!"
Bill Gates picks up the gun, places his finger over the muzzle and pulls the trigger, blowing the end of his finger off and says:
"Well the bullets are coming out of here ok, the problem must be at your end!"
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15-09-2005, 02:11
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#233
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Inactive
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back in England, but not for long...
Services: Weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs
Posts: 3,422
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
My mother-in-law is so fat...
...she needs a boomerang to put her belt on...
...smaller fat people orbit around here...
...she earns a fortune at the beach, selling shade...
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15-09-2005, 18:44
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#234
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Inactive
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 129
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute
steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm
broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
In Saying this, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks
at the woman.
"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying
not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home.
"Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two
new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain
the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at
their new pet.
They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes
home.
"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,
but the same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?"
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15-09-2005, 18:51
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#235
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Inactive
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: bolton
Age: 54
Services: non
wife took control
Posts: 5,425
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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15-09-2005, 19:00
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#236
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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,872
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
My other half asked "what on the TV"
"DUST" i replied
I sleep on the sofa now
__________________
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
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15-09-2005, 21:42
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#237
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Inactive
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 7,737
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by theman
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute
steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm
broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
In Saying this, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks
at the woman.
"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying
not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home.
"Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two
new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain
the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at
their new pet.
They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes
home.
"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,
but the same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?"
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15-09-2005, 23:35
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#238
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Treasure Island
Age: 78
Services: NTL cable 20mb Broadband, V+ package.
Posts: 1,971
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges
his wife awake and asks,
"Why don't we get it on, eh?"
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gyneacologist tomorrow and
you know I don't
like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to
sleep. A few minutes later he
nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a
dentist's appointment tomorrow, do
you?"
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16-09-2005, 01:50
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#239
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Inactive
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: bolton
Age: 54
Services: non
wife took control
Posts: 5,425
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
My wife is that ugly, she was once getting changed and forgot to close the curtains
the neigbours closed theres
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16-09-2005, 08:47
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#240
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Inactive
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back in England, but not for long...
Services: Weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs
Posts: 3,422
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
It's not a mother-in-law joke, but...
I was queuing outside a club one night and it started to rain heavily, so I ran back to the car and found an old jacket in the boot, which I wear when I fix the car. It was grubby, but I thought I could just leave it in the cloakroom anyway. So, I get to the door and it appears the week before they had some trouble, and they were searching people. No problem for me, or so I thought. Anyway, in one pocket they found a can of WD40, and in another, a set of jump leads. The doorman looked at me and said: "OK, you can come in... But don't start anything"...
I never said it was a good joke!!
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