Jokes Thread

[on in an hour!]

paddy says to mick: 'here mick,can you help me with this jigsaw,its sposed to b a tiger', mick says to paddy: 'put the frosties back in the box paddy'.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

---------- Post added at 22:08 ---------- Previous post was at 22:05 ----------

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received the
most calls ever on a singles ad:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing
trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

[Orior]

I met a man yesterday with one arm who said he was he was going to change a light bulb.

I asked if that would be difficult for him?

"Shouldn’t be a problem" replied the man "as I have the receipt".

A woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?�
Officer: “Ma'am, you were speeding.�
Woman: “Oh, I see.�
Officer: “Can I see your license please?�
Woman: “I'd give it to you but I don't have one.�
Officer: “Don't have one?�
Woman: “Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.�
Officer: “I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.�
Woman: “I can't do that.�
Officer: “Why not?�
Woman: “I stole this car.�
Officer: “Stole it?�
Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.�
Officer: “You what?�
Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.�

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!� The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: “Is there a problem sir?�
Officer 2: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.�
Woman: “Murdered the owner?�
Officer 2: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.�

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma'am?�
Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.�

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.�

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.�
Woman: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.�

[Russ]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

[Ramrod]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain,"
Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you
really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh
.equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[Cobbydaler]

Subject:Tech Support Request


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Yours,

Desperate
------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:

C:\I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

An additional problem is that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Yours,
Confused

[Derek]

This morning on the way to work I ran into the back of a car at some lights.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[TheDaddy]

What’s the score with this Harry Potter? I can believe in magic, unicorns, werewolves and flying cars. I can even believe in special schools for wizards but a ginger kid with two friends? That's going to far

[Ramrod]

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

[altis]

They used to laugh at me when I was growing up and I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

Bob Monkhouse

Originally Posted by altis

They used to laugh at me when I was growing up and I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

Bob Monkhouse

Another Bob M joke -
I want to die in my sleep, like my father.

Not like his passengers, wailing and screaming........

[Orior]

A third Bob M joke, talking about old age.

I'm still having sex at 73. And I live at number 85.

[r00t]

What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!...... BUCKLE up and pass it on..

[Orior]

An oldie but a goldie.

Pastors, Priests and Ministers - look away now:

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.