Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by TheDaddy

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted at me, oi, what’s your disability mate? I said tourettes, you **** now **** off.

Aye the old ones are (most certainty) the best, as post No791 of this thread suggests:

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...t34351237.#791

Cheers and Si thee

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by bw41101

Aye the old ones are (most certainty) the best, as post No791 of this thread suggests:

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...t34351237.#791

Cheers and Si thee

Wonder if this one has been posted before

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music - in women's breast implants

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by TheDaddy

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.

However, prices vary according to inflation.

Si thee

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Originally Posted by Nidge

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

Why so bold
Why so big

and its already here

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34358608-post803.html

[Orior]

Prince Charles takes up jogging

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!"

[goldoni]

I Was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline. The call was routed to a call center in Pakistan.

I Told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.......

[altis]

[goldoni]

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Murray thinks, "Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle!

Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? ' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy
- inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said.'we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"
Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin."

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"
Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front, "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by goldoni

... "Who said.'we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"...

Ahem. The actual words were "we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

And Kennedy was inaugurated on 20 January 1961.

And the first lunar landing was on 20 July 1969.

Can I have Friday and Monday off?

[goldoni]

Originally Posted by TheNorm

Ahem. The actual words were "we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

And Kennedy was inaugurated on 20 January 1961.

And the first lunar landing was on 20 July 1969.

Can I have Friday and Monday off?

Teacher: Just seeing if you were paying attention. In answer to your question; no you can have Sunday off like the rest of us, unless you work in Tesco.

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by goldoni

...no you can have Sunday off like the rest of us, ...

"F@&KIN ENGLISH B@ST@RD!!!"

[goldoni]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'

Originally Posted by goldoni

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'

Yeh, I'm going to trust the judgement of a blind talking snake.......

Surely he would have said "sssssupervissssor or posssssssibly ssssomeone in sssssenior management"?

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Yeh, I'm going to trust the judgement of a blind talking snake.......

Surely he would have said "sssssupervissssor or posssssssibly ssssomeone in sssssenior management"?

But it was the rabbit saying that... durrrrr