Jokes Thread

[thechojin]

Originally Posted by pedantic

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken, leaning against the headboard, smoking with a smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit annoyed, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says.............."Well, I guess we finally answered that question"

LMAO...very good

[bw41101]

A little chiwowah dog had escaped from it's owner and was enjoying it's new found freedom toddling along and doing all of the unmentionable things that dogs do when out and about. During it's travels, it suddenly stopped to have a scratch outside the door of a public house when suddenly the door burst open and an absolutely parallytic man staggered out and promptly threw up - all over the little dog.

The dog (in shock) sat frozen to the spot, whilst the man took a deap breath and focused on the unfortunate animal sat in front of him (amongst the diced carrots , peas and potato remnants) . The man looked around, scratched his head and said:

"Bl**dy hell, I don't remember eating that"!

Sigh......................!

Si thee

[mrmistoffelees]

Someone offered me four legs of venison for fifty quid last night

Do you think thats two dear ?


<<<< leaving quite quickly indeed

[altis]

Originally Posted by bw41101

A little chiwowah dog had escaped from it's owner and was enjoying it's new found freedom toddling along and doing all of the unmentionable things that dogs do when out and about. During it's travels, it suddenly stopped to have a scratch outside the door of a public house when suddenly the door burst open and an absolutely parallytic man staggered out and promptly threw up - all over the little dog.

The dog (in shock) sat frozen to the spot, whilst the man took a deap breath and focused on the unfortunate animal sat in front of him (amongst the diced carrots , peas and potato remnants) . The man looked around, scratched his head and said:

"Bl**dy hell, I don't remember eating that"!

Sigh......................!

Si thee

Reminds me of an 'incident' in Manchester many years ago. Mrs A and I attended a party in Longsight and she had rather too much red wine. In the morning she was looking rather peeky but we went on to the 8th Day as planned to get some muesli. We parked on the road round the back but, immediately she got out of the van, Mrs A started throwing up in the gutter. All pink and runny it was too - yeuch! Then, at the side of her blurry vision she noticed that a small dog had come over and was starting to lick at it. Then she noticed the long extendible lead and then the smart looking but horrified woman at the other end. She couldn't help herself but carry on throwing up, splatting the dog. A great moment

[iadom]

Originally Posted by mrmistoffelees

Someone offered me four legs of venison for fifty quid last night

Do you think thats two dear ?


<<<< leaving quite quickly indeed

Doing the maths I would say that it is one deer,

Jim.

[Orior]

Originally Posted by mrmistoffelees

Someone offered me four legs of venison for fifty quid last night

Do you think thats two dear ?


<<<< leaving quite quickly indeed

Its unusual to see jokes that I have not seen before. And thats the funniest joke that I've seen in ages. Do you know its source?

[cimt]

I know this is jokes thread, but I thought this was funny

Man rejects bin theft counselling

A Teesside man was left baffled after being offered counselling over the theft of his wheelie bin.

Karim Allison, from Ormesby in Middlesbrough, got a Victim Support letter after reporting the bin missing.

The 47-year-old branded the offer "ridiculous" and said real victims were in need of help.

But Victim Support said it relied on information supplied by police and was offering help to someone listed simply as a victim of theft.

Mr Allison has since been sent a replacement wheelie bin.

He said: "I didn't really care that much - it's a bin at the end of the day. It's something you put rubbish in.

"I wouldn't class it as a crime. I had to report it so it would be replaced and I got a replacement, which I was happy with.

"When I received the letter I thought it was absolutely ridiculous bearing in mind there are real victims of crime out there who need victim support. I'm not one of them."

Cleveland Police said the incident was probably listed as a theft and passed on to Victim Support as a matter of course.

Paul Fawcett, a spokesman for the charity, said: "I understand why it sounds funny and clearly the man didn't need help, but that could have been a vulnerable old lady.

"It could have been the latest incident in a campaign of harassment. We are totally dependent on what the police tell us.

"A 'theft' could be anything from a wheelie bin to the Mona Lisa. If we don't know the exact details we offer emotional support in case it's needed."

The link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/e...es/6945767.stm

[sherer]

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London , especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[bw41101]

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired" "They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will also teach yours to praise and worship instead." "Oh thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house, and (as the priest said) there they were his two male parrots clutching rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims "drop the beads Frank, looks like our prayers have finally been answered!!"

Si thee

[bw41101]

During the US President's (daily) morning executive staff meeting, Donald Rumsfeld (secretary for defense) briefed President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, he then collapsed onto his desk - holding his head in his hands.

He sat like that for several minutes, visibly shaken, and whimpering. Finally after composing himself, the president sat up, and asked Rumsfeld:

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Sigh......................!

Si thee

[mrmistoffelees]

Originally Posted by Orior

Its unusual to see jokes that I have not seen before. And thats the funniest joke that I've seen in ages. Do you know its source?

red wine reduction with a little rosemary I think


(no, no idea where it came from)

[cimt]

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake maintaining a steady vigil by her side.

As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face,splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's alright.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.

"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said.

"You do?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you ****?"

[Derek]

A young boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve.

Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mummy."

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."

[sherer]

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

"Aye, this is a nice bar," the Scotsman says, "but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Si, dat's a nice-a bar, but where I-a come from, dere's a better one.
In-a Roma, dere's-a dis place, Vincenzo's. You buy a drinka, Vincenzo buys you a drinka. You buy anudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda drinka."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they boi you yer first drink, dey boi you yer second drink, den dey boi you yer tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you out de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" the other two exclaim. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No", the Irishman says, "but it happened to me sister".

[cimt]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupidconvention." Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting " Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2? Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"




Location: Middlesbrough

I'll go now.