Jokes Thread

[Chris W]

A filing cabinet has fallen off a lorry and is blocking 2 lanes of the m25. Reports say there's stationary traffic

[Halcyon]

[Orior]

A lorry load of horse hair was spilt on the M25. Police are combing the area for clues.

[Mr_love_monkey]

A giant hole appeared on the motorway over night - police are looking into it

A little old man goes to the doctor for a complete medical check-up.
After the examination the doctor says, "I'm afraid there are two
problems with your health - which do you want to hear first?"

"Give me the worst first."

"I'm afraid you've got cancer - it's pretty bad and it's spreading
rapidly. There's no treatment available. I'm afraid you don't have
very long to live."

"So, what's the other problem?"

"You've also got Alzheimer's disease."

"Could be worse," the old man says, obviously relieved. "Could be
cancer!"

Terrible really

[Raistlin]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler: 

Put him in the microwave until he's [his] Bill Withers

[marky]

Blimey its Raist, hows it hanging mate

[Raistlin]

Originally Posted by marky

Blimey its Raist, hows it hanging mate

To the left mate, to the left

Originally Posted by marky

Blimey its Raist, hows it hanging mate

If he is going to post jokes like that, he can go back to lurking

- only kidding

[Cobbydaler]

This is without doubt the best 3D illusion picture I've ever seen...

If you sort of de-focus your eyes & stare, eventually you should see a giraffe...

Spoiler: 

[Woolly One]

Sorry another long one!

A Retirement Story from Jim

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Orior]

I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by Orior

I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

I was waiting for that one to come around...

[lostandconfused]

Why do midgets laugh when they run in the park?
















the grass tickles their nuts.

[jellybaby]

The Bacon Tree--

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Eees a Ham Bush!