Jokes Thread

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Bad taste, just received this as a text

Mod edit (Gavin): Inappropriate joke removed.

Can we have no more jokes about the Ipswich ripper please?

A distinguished looking older gentleman made an appointment with one of the most upscale houses of ill repute in the city.

He had a very special request. He needed a woman who was at least six feet tall and could weigh no more than 120 pounds. The proprietress of the establishment said that that would be a difficult request to fulfill, but she would try.

Upon searching though her resources, she found one lady, who with the proper course of diuretics and diets could meet the requirements.

Arrangements were made. The young lady was picked up in a limousine, taken blindfolded to the airport, put onto an executive jet, and taken to an exclusive island. There she was bathed, and anointed with oils.

Finally, clad only in a robe, she was led though a long hallway, lined with guards. The auditorium at the end of the hallway had a dais on which she was placed, lights a shining upon her. The distinguished gentleman entered with a four year old girl. Upon his signal, the robe was dropped and the six foot lady was shimmering naked in the light.

The older man turned to the four year old and then said, “If you don’t drink your milk, you will end up looking like that!�

[SOSAGES]

i cried inside when i saw (again) the us navy v light house thing
its all lies................

[Jules]

A man was taken to hospital with a vacuum cleaner up his bum, staff say he is starting to pick up

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by Jules

A man was taken to hospital with a vacuum cleaner up his bum, staff say he is starting to pick up

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Jules

A man was taken to hospital with a vacuum cleaner up his bum, staff say he is starting to pick up

That joke sucks

Originally Posted by Jules

A man was taken to hospital with a vacuum cleaner up his bum, staff say he is starting to pick up

I heard his mum say "Try that again, and you'll die, son".

[Ramrod]

New Years resolutions we can keep.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

A Methodist minister was seated next to a sailor on a flight to Portsmouth.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The sailor asked for a JD & Coke which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied with disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

At which point the sailor handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too; I didn't know we had a choice."

================================================== ======

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony -- we live on the 25th floor -- and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator. . .

Originally Posted by foreverwar

A Methodist minister was seated next to a sailor on a flight to Portsmouth.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The sailor asked for a JD & Coke which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied with disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

At which point the sailor handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too; I didn't know we had a choice."

================================================== ======

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony -- we live on the 25th floor -- and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator. . .

[Mr_love_monkey]

not sure if this is inappropriate....


I've got some cheap Saddam t-shirts, bit tight around the neck, but they do hang well.....

[1701-e]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

not sure if this is inappropriate....


I've got some cheap Saddam t-shirts, bit tight around the neck, but they do hang well.....

Not bad but the first line i think is funnier than the second!!

[lostandconfused]

Two guys are out hunting rabbit’s. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, an eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a fox walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

Two blondes decide to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Cindy, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Cindy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," says Cindy.

Cindy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Cindy.

She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Cindyy says, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," says Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

================================================== ===

A man is going out with three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test.

He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauticians, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy him gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he had given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest knockers.

Men are like that, you know.

[lostandconfused]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues...

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today!"