Jokes Thread

[pabscars]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate, don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike
replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid ... a lot quicker
and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture
for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
************************************************** ********************

[bw41101]

Cold Weather Warning

The Government have issued a warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Tyre Chains
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Spare Can of Petrol or Diesel
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads






....I looked a right prat on the bus this morning!


Si thee

[Welshchris]

I went to a Chinese Karaoke bar last night.

Everybody clapped as 2 chefs came out of the kitchen to sing a Queen song.

They Sang "We Will Wok You".

[bw41101]

A top London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Caledonian cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop, licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll gladly give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket -if not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket and stop wasting my time."
Glasgow cop says, "Aye sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and proceeds to start beating the stuffing out of the lawyer.

London Lawyer says, "what the hell are you doing"?
Glasgow cop says, "Now sir, dae ye want me to stop - or just slow doon?"


Si thee

[Welshchris]

Having fake teeth.

That'll denture confidence

[Gary L]

My daughter was going out clubbing last night wearing a little tiny tight dress.
My wife who was leaving for work said "You're going nowhere dressed like that young lady!"
I said "Your mum's right, dressed like that you're staying here with me!"

[Kymmy]

Originally Posted by bw41101

A top London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Caledonian cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop, licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll gladly give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket -if not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket and stop wasting my time."
Glasgow cop says, "Aye sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and proceeds to start beating the stuffing out of the lawyer.

London Lawyer says, "what the hell are you doing"?
Glasgow cop says, "Now sir, dae ye want me to stop - or just slow doon?"


Si thee

Yet another american joke (licence and registration) converted to other areas..

[Welshchris]

'Wolfgang Mozart!' said Mozart's friend
'What?' said Mozart
And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.

[Welshchris]

Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because Desperate Times call for Desperate measures!!!

[bw41101]

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself and would his family sue me for damages? .
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....

Woops - looks like I've run out of ammo - hey nice grouping!

Si thee

[Pauls9]

Lol - yup, that sounds about right!

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by bw41101

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself and would his family sue me for damages? .
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....

Woops - looks like I've run out of ammo - hey nice grouping!

Si thee

Snap!!! http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/35043748-post1430.html

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by Masque

Snap!!! http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/35043748-post1430.html

Okay hands up - credit where it's due! Then again to search for this would have been (to say the least) not the easiest of tasks.

You must have a memory like an elephant!

Si thee

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by bw41101

Okay hands up - credit where it's due! Then again to search for this would have been (to say the least) not the easiest of tasks.

You must have a memory like an elephant!

Si thee

I remembered it as I thought it was funny the first time, but I like the extra bit about the grouping which made it a tad funnier in your version.

[Welshchris]

I'm in the doghouse with my wife.

There's not enough room for both of us, I dunno why we bothered.