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Old 06-08-2005, 01:41   #151
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

a bit rude, but I'm drunk, so if anyone's offended feel free to get a Mod to delete it.


A bloke is in a queue at the super market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says, "you are that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum?"

No she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher...
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Old 06-08-2005, 02:26   #152
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

And another.....

90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better ... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."
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Old 08-08-2005, 17:04   #153
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob.That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."
Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.
Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant bear standing there.
The bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Old 08-08-2005, 19:08   #154
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

After his death, Osama bin Laden was allowed a short visit Heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

----------------------------------------

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" †“ the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" †“ says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
---------------------------------------

Three strangers at the Great Falls airport are awaiting their flights.

One is a Native American on his way to Helena for a statewide Indian Pow-Wow.

Another a ranch hand on his way to Billings Montana for a stock show.

The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived, and on his way to study engineering at Montana Tech.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon the westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and believes his people are justified in their 'holy' war.

The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks:" Once, my people were many, now we are few."

The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson Cowboy Hat says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet boy."
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Old 10-08-2005, 17:09   #155
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

There was a mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Baby balloon was a poor sleeper and mummy and daddy balloon had allowed him to share their bed at night. Baby balloon was growing a little old for this now so mummy and daddy balloon wanted him to sleep through the night in his own bed. Baby balloon didn't like this idea. In the middle of the night he kept getting up, wandering into his parents room and climbing in. Mummy and daddy balloon were at the end of their tether.

The balloon family went on holiday and there seemed to be a change in baby balloon. Maybe it was the different rooms and novelty of different beds but baby balloon slept through the night in his own room. Success thought mummy and daddy balloon, and they were inflated with pride that their son was at last showing signs of growing up.

It was not to be. They returned home. Mummy and daddy balloon applied a little pressure on their son explaining that as he had slept on his own while on holiday they expected him to stay in his own room now they were back home. Baby balloon agreed with this.

Come the middle of the night baby balloon awoke and went to his parents bedroom. There were mummy and daddy, snuggled together so tightly that baby balloon just couldn't squeeze himself in between. Not to be defeated, he thought he'd try and slip between his parents from the bottom of the bed. Again, no joy there just was not enough of a gap. Ah ha he thought. He fiddled with his nozzle and let a bit of air out. Then he fiddled with his parent's nozzles and let air out of each of them. Great he squeezed in between and settled down for a good nights sleep.

Next morning mummy and daddy balloon were most upset to awake and had that deflated feeling finding their son in bed. At the breakfast table daddy balloon decided enough was enough. Daddy balloon said to baby balloon.

"you are too old to sleep with us. Mummy and Daddy balloon need some privacy. We are very dissappointed as we thought you understood this and had agreed to grow up and sleep by your self. You have let mummy down, you have let daddy down. Worst of all, you have let yourself down."
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Old 10-08-2005, 19:39   #156
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Rob, I don't think you've understood the purpose of this thread yet, have you? You're supposed to post funny jokes here!
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Old 10-08-2005, 19:52   #157
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

rob my mate told that one the other week at a party

lucky it was last orders he cleared the room
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Old 10-08-2005, 21:25   #158
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

I'll get my coat.
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Old 10-08-2005, 21:46   #159
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob C
I'll get my coat.
I would..........
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Old 10-08-2005, 22:23   #160
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob C
I'll get my coat.
*Points towards the coat rack
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Old 11-08-2005, 12:02   #161
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Love this:- http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/2007
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Old 13-08-2005, 00:01   #162
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego, -- when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, -- holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of his brakes the truck driver pulled his truck off the road, got out, and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over, -- so we went to the movies
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Old 13-08-2005, 00:07   #163
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

are you saying that blondes are thick because i dont think so my wife is blonde and she married me
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Old 13-08-2005, 00:58   #164
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by markymoan
are you saying that blondes are thick because i dont think so my wife is blonde and she married me
You forgot the " " smileys m8!
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Old 13-08-2005, 01:01   #165
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramrod
You forgot the " " smileys m8!
oops
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