Jokes Thread

[Derek]

Neil Lennon had to call in the Police yesterday to deal with a suspicious package none of the players could identify in the dressing rooms at Hampden!

Thankfully it turned out to be a trophy.

[Skyranger]

COSHH DATA SHEET - WOMAN. (COSSH is a UK directive to control hazardous substances)

ANALYSIS.

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg but known to vary between 45kg and 225kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantites in all urban areas with trace elements found in all others.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.

1. Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film
2. Boils at nothing. Freezes for no reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various grades from virginal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously for no reason
4. Softens to a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in it's natural state
2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen

[Derek]

Imogen Thomas has just announced she has got a record deal.
Not bad given she's only been doing Giggs in Manchester.

[Welshchris]

Whats red and bad for the teeth?

A Brick!

[Sox]

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last".......

[LondonRoad]

The latest statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

[Sox]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[bw41101]

Imagine the scene, Mr Albert Postlethwaite from Pontefract is in the hot seat to win five thousand pounds on a television game show.

It is the last question with the prize hanging on the correct answer.

Presenter: "Albert - you've chosen the question on sport and for five thousand pounds, can you please give me four summer Olympic events beginning with TH"?

Albert: " aye lad there's TH'op skip and jump, TH'underd meters sprint, TH'urdles and't TH'ammer!

Sigh..............................!

Si thee

[Welshchris]

What do u call a Monkey that keeps exploding?

A Ba-boom!

[Sox]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so slow, that he could get one over on them very easily.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pounds note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.

After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500.

The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[TheNorm]

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in South Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

It makes you proud to be British.

[Sox]

A drunk goes into a bar and the barman says what are you having?
"A double whisky please!" the barman hands it over,the drunk downs it then turns to leave."OI," Says the barman,"thats £3 please"
"no,you said what are you haveing and in pub terms thats like offering to buy me a drink"
"shut up and give me £3" says the barman.Theres a lawyer sat at the bar and he says to the barman "thechnicaly your customer is right!!!!"
"ok" says the barman"get your coat,leave and never come back"
The next day the same customer comes in and the barman says "get out,your barred"
"but i have never been here before in my life" says the drunk.
"you were in here yesterday trying to con me so go!!"
"i swear on my life i have never been here before"says the drunk.
"well in that case you must have a double"says the barman
"ok,thanks ill have a whiskey" says the drunk.

[Welshchris]

"I know a guy who used to love camping."

"Used to?"

"Yeah, he's past tents."

[carlwaring]

I wonder if that's the same guy who used to love tractors but not anymore.

He's an ex-tractor fan.

[Welshchris]

With the prices of tents so high forecasters in the econemy warn we may be heading into a winter of Discount Tent.