Jokes Thread

[Orior]

Did you hear about Gareth Gates?

He went into a shop for a Mars bar and came out with 10 packets of M&Ms.

[Rita Malone]

Originally Posted by MadGamer

What team does Michael Jackson Support?

Kiddaminster

I don't get it

---------- Post added at 11:32 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ----------

Why are goths environmentally friendly?

they use candles

[Derek]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They all died straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is".

[SOSAGES]

Originally Posted by goldoni

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for France but I was just too embarrassed to say."

i almost cried when reading that

[Silent Wings]

Sam Ting every Monday.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was
enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked
into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he
could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the
store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned
with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a
coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the
counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his
purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...evleebody ask me that . It name of owner.

" Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country.
I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of
me Jewish from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your
name?"

He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

[Cobbydaler]

10 signs you might be trailer trash:

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

[Pia]

Originally Posted by Orior

Did you hear about Gareth Gates?

He went into a shop for a Mars bar and came out with 10 packets of M&Ms.

I had to think about this one but when it got there i laughed so hard hahahahaa

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Pia

I had to think about this one but when it got there i laughed so hard hahahahaa

I had to look him up on Wikipedia before I got it.

[bw41101]

What about the man who couldn't remember the difference between incest and arson.

Set fire to his sister.

Si thee

[Orior]

Thats weird.

[TheNorm]

My dad (who likes a drop of wine, as do I) sent me this:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s***.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

---------- Post added at 09:41 ---------- Previous post was at 09:23 ----------

Another from my dad (where does he get them?):

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! You will probably get more than enough exercise just being the pallbearer for your exercising friends.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride!!"

[bw41101]

A man went to a dentist one day for his regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist then advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.

When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful, nevertheless the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle.

The patient then went on to indicate that he had two experiences (in recent times) that had made him immune to pain, so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth and to the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.

The dentist (quite astonished) remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences (you say you had) that made you immune to pain must have been something special, I'm intrigued would you care to tell me about them"?

The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had the overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. So I ducked behind a bush, squatted down and I can't believe I didn't see it, but my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a (spring loaded) rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!".

The dentist (imagining the scene and turning pale) exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating - how very unfortunate, but that was the first experience what was the second".

The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

Si thee

A bit old but what the heck

One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok,"
she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?"

[TheNorm]

Another from my uncle:

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot
let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes
and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

[TheDaddy]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted at me, oi, what’s your disability mate? I said tourettes, you **** now **** off.