Jokes Thread

[Hom3r]

<Part 1 removed as unsuitable>
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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?



As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.



1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t (appeal) to handle the Muslin, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s 91.8 million homes. One presumes thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children. Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we all accept). We are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santaââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that †œflying reindeerââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the nominal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh ~ to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraftââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s re-entering the earthââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 2 50-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,31 5,01 5 pounds of force.



In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s dead now.
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<Part 3 removed as unsuitable>
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Genuine Extracts Of Letters Sent To The Council Repairs.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.



The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.



This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.



The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand.



I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall.



I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.



I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother?



I want some repairââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.



The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.



The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.



Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.



Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.



Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.



Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.



I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.



This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.
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Last week I held my Daddy's hand

I had tears in my eyes,

I asked him what will happen when

Sam, my rabbit dies.



He said we'll take a shoe box

And put dear Sam inside,

We'll bury him beneath the tree

That stands next to your slide.



And then we'll have a party,

The best you've ever seen,

We'll play some games, eat sausage rolls

Have jelly and ice cream.



When dad told me what he had planned,

All I could say was Wow!

Why wait until the day he dies,

Lets kill the bunny NOW.

Two sections removed (Paul) - Lets keep the jokes within the T&C's please, and suitable for a family forum.

A white van driver was with his girl making passionate love in his van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back ...all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.


Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring.....





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"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Not a joke but, this is strange and interesting.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain.
When they finished filming the ad, the film
editor noticed something moving along the side of the car,
like a ghostly white mist.

They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier
in that exact same spot. The ad was never put on TV because
of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.

Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the
middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing
in front of the car then following it along the road.

http://www.gdiu.ws/cgi-bin/ghostly/video.cgi?idx=185

[iadom]

Careful, Graham will be after you.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by iadom

Careful, Graham will be after you.

Anyone who still falls for this one gets all they deserve!

[Ramrod]

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

[Angua]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Bizzarre

[Raistlin]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Your timeless negligence has a way of arousing my palliative inuendo.

http://www.ongein.com/ongein/item.aspx?ID=2586

[Raistlin]

Originally Posted by yesman

http://www.ongein.com/ongein/item.aspx?ID=2586

A little rude in places.....but quite funny

Originally Posted by Raistlin

A little rude in places.....but quite funny

Correct

[Graham]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Gosh! That site inspires me to say "Your skin emanates such a porcelain sheen that I am tempted to stamp WC under your bosom and across your armpits."

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Raistlin

Your timeless negligence has a way of arousing my palliative inuendo.

"You blink thrice warned that I can but think of the eyebrows of Richard Nixon covering a hostess of furry twinkies. "

****ing ****ing meself here!
__________________

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Greenie for that Mate!

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Raistlin

Your timeless negligence has a way of arousing my palliative inuendo.

"
Cry for the stiffness of the earlobe. The turtles are fallen and the rain stands still. How long must I suffer with your undergarments? "

[Angua]

Your intelligence is equal to the smoothness of a walnut shell.