Jokes Thread

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by Orior

Q) Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?


A) A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL.

Originally Posted by Alien

So what about the lollypop?

Originally Posted by Orior

Thats for suckers like you!

Originally Posted by Alien

Oh, very witty.

Alien, Alien, Alien - will you never learn? Hook, line and sinker, matey

[Tims]

Hehe

[kangaroosterrier]

What did Melinda Gates tell Bill after their wedding night?















"Now I understand why you called the company Microsoft."

Why?

Because you always need more RAM, and even though it takes a while to boot up, it usually works?

[kangaroosterrier]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you manage that?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi-- Blimey! There goes another one!"

[cimt]

If football teams were women...


Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the
potential to really screw you over

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Mariah Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens
Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick

Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work
when put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars.
Nice new home though

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive
really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to
speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's
going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Joan Collins
Used to look good, but living on past glories.

Additional one more...

West Ham - Britney Spears
Been threatening to go down for the last few years, but finally did
it this year.

[frogstamper]

The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell
of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the
knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important
part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I
need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd
lik e a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did
you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor
said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said,
'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you
know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the
shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe
thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's
see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size
34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You
can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Tims]

Haha, that last one had me in stitches

[frogstamper]

Two friends are walking down the road when they notice this beautiful woman on the other side, one says to his mate, "would you credit it, I only joined the conservative party this morning and I already feel like screwing somebody."

That's OK - the beautiful woman was in the Labour Party; she would have taken ever increasing amounts of his money, promised him everything, and then just left him unsatisfied........

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

That's OK - the beautiful woman was in the Labour Party; she would have taken ever increasing amounts of his money, promised him everything, and then just left him unsatisfied........

I dated a lot of women from the Labour party it would seem

[Orior]

Damn. I emptied the washing machine last weekend and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by Orior

Damn. I emptied the washing machine last weekend and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!








the only positive was that it died in comfort.

But what about the lollypop?

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

I dated a lot of women from the Labour party it would seem

We've told you many times before -






putting rohypnol in their drinks is not "dating"...........

[TheNorm]

Perhaps his idea of "labour party" is the knees-up nine months later...