Jokes Thread

[frogstamper]

An American a Scotsman and an Irishmen were all drinking in the same bar, and all agreed that it was a decent place.
Then the Scotsman says "Aye this is a nice place, but where I come from back in Glasgow there's a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, then another drink and then McDougal himself will buy your third drink"
The others all agreed it sounded a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah that sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's a place called Vinny's, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you a drink, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you another drink".
The others all agreed it sounded a great place.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great, where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's they buy you your first drink, then buy you your second drink. then buy you your third drink, then take you round the back to get laid!"
"Wow, that's fantastic" say the other two, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"No" replied the Irishman, "it happened to my sister".

[bw41101]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a drop off' (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on) and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get off the merry-go-round*

[Ramrod]

Three women

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes!
The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said:
"The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,

"Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~ Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.� Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS

[frogstamper]

A woman goes into her local chemist and asks the assistant if she can have a bottle of "rectal deodorant", the assistant looks at her rather bemused and says, "I'm sorry madam, but we don't sell such a product"
Unfazed the woman assures the assistant that she has been buying the product from this store on a regular basis.
The assistant replies, "I'm sorry madam, we don't sell that product"
The woman will not accept this and asks the assistant to check with the pharmacist, the pharmacist comes to the counter with a bemused expression and asks the woman, "do you have the container the product came in"
"YES!!", says the woman, "Ill go home and get it"
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to the women, "this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the woman snatches the container back and reads out loud the instructions on the side of the container.
"To apply, push up bottom"

[cimt]

20 people were arrested when fighting broke out at an Irish wedding.
When they got them to the station the Sargent interviewed the best man and asked what happened.
"Well" said Paddy "as is normal at a wedding, I, as best man was having a dance with the bride when the groom ran over and kicked her right in the fanny.."
"Bloody hell" said the Sargent "that must have hurt". "It bloody did" said Paddy "it broke three of my fingers".

[bw41101]

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed .
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'...
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver legged it away briskly.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

Si thee

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

In order to gain more street cred and a career lift Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as J Lo.
I can't understand with his career on the wane why Pete Docherty hasn't done the same.

---------- Post added at 18:17 ---------- Previous post was at 18:16 ----------

This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada, after a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain, after about 5 or 6 whiskys he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he says to the barman "Whats that ?, the barman says "Its a Moose", and the scottish chap says wow!, how big are the cats!?

Once this woman placed an ad in the local newspaper looking for a suitable man.

Then one day her door bell rang. She answered it and to her dismay, a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs was sitting there.

She says, "Can I help you?"

He says, "I'm here to answer your ad."

She says, "There must be a mistake."

He says, "No, correct me if I'm wrong, but this ad says you're looking for someone who won't beat you and as you see, I have no arms, right?"

She says, "Yeah, but..."

He says, "You also said you want someone who won't run around on you and as you can see, I don't have any legs, right?"

She says, "Yeah, but I also said I want someone who's great in bed."

He says, "Lady, think about it, I rang your doorbell, didn't I."

--------------------------------------------------

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,� indicating the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants�.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: “Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen & Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.�

A new supermarket opened near my house.
>
> It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce
> fresh.
>
> Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
> thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
>
> When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
> you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
>
> In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
> grilled steaks with onions.
>
> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
> cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
> bacon and eggs frying.
>
> The bread department features the tantalizing smell of
> fresh baked bread & cookies.
>
> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[TheDaddy]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great Chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive Calves you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

[Derek]

How to prove dogs are a mans best friend.

Take your dog and your wife.
Put the both in the boot of your car.
Leave them for an hour.

When you come back see which one is glad to see you.

[bw41101]

Murphy's lesser known laws.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, only to make a left hand turn in 100 yards.

7. The (so called) good things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't intelligent enough to get out of jury duty.

Sigh.................!

[TheDaddy]

2008 Tax Code

The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pished off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4' is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

[Osem]

Originally Posted by TheDaddy

2008 Tax Code

The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pished off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4' is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Hmmmm... mine is just a tad under 4 feet long


Now if that had been 4", I'd have kept shut