Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

Man: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

Vet: "let's have a look at him"

So the vet picks the dog up and examines it's bottom, teeth, then finally it's eyes.

Vet: "It's no good, I'm going to have to put him down."

Man: "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

Vet "No, because he's really heavy.

[handyman]

I think this is safe for the forum....

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only
Raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
With one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
Money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately
Ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a
Plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
The sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
And put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
Out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
More drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
Can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
Killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
Sausage in the third pub

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the F(insert expletive)

[bw41101]

Two Nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight minutes and fourty two seconds? I wonder what he wants.

SL: Logic dictates that it is his desire to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 14 minutes thirty eight seconds at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing - he started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in seven minutes and three seconds.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run a darn sight faster than a man with his pants down........

For all those of you who thought the above would be dirty, Go immediately and say eleven Our Fathers and twenty two Hail Marys.

Si thee

[sherer]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!


Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours"


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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an

appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.



The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.



The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."



"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a

demonstration?"



The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"



Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."



The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."



Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.



The auditor's jaw drops.



Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other

Eye."



The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,

with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks.



"I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk

and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop

anywhere in between."



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he

strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so

he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss

into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.


"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here

and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

[TheDaddy]

Wonder if this has been posted before?

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[bw41101]

CHANGING TRENDS IN MATHS TEACHING:

1. 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £8. What is his profit?

3. 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £500. His cost of production is £100 and his profit is £400. Your assignment: Underline the number 400.

5. 2007
A logger cuts down a forest and sells the truckload of lumber for £1000. It's cost him £200 for the hire of the machinery and the diesel. He hasn't planted any more trees to replace those cut down because it would affect his profits of £800. He is selfish, inconsiderate with no regard for the habitat, animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Topic for discussion, what do you think of this way of making a living? is it ethical, could the government do more? Should the logger be served with an ASBO? How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers).

6. 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 1500 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[TheDaddy]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?'

The Mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made.'

A few days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.'

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?'

The Mother answers, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.'

[punky]

Heather Mills has said she intends to buy a plane with the money from her divorce. She still intends to use Immac on the other leg though.

[TheNorm]

From an uncle in Canada:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold............

[bw41101]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A Saudi Arabian Airways flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served everyone food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend into London Heathrow, he came swishing down the aisle and told saying loudly " Captain Abdulla has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed a woman who hadn't moved a muscle.

'Excuse me dearie, Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

With this she calmly turned her head and said, " In my country, they call me Princess - I take orders from no one"

To which the flight attendant replied, 'Well, sweet -cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so reckon I outrank you - Tray-up, Bitch.'

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.


The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

[willie]

Edited so as not to offend


Recently on Family Fortunes 100 (insert football teams name here) fans were asked to name a fish begining with the letter S, 98 of the daft bar stewards replied single

[frogstamper]

A Spanish lady married to an English guy had moved to Manchester, the problem being she wasn't very proficient with the language, she could get by ok with her husband, but the problem was when she went shopping.
One day she went to the butchers to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so in desperation she lifted up her skirt to show her legs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it so she unbuttoned her blouse and showed the butcher her breast. The lady went home with what she wanted.
The 3rd day the poor lady needed to buy sausages, unable to find a way to communicate this she brought her husband to the shop.
Whatever were you thinking, her husband speaks English.