Jokes Thread

[Salu]

What do you say to a Chav in a filing cabinet?


Sorted...

[theman]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone
inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they
enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by theman

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone
inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they
enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again

Thats Nasty!

[hoggyspuds]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a
step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' wrecked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . .
You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[pedantic]

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

[MovedGoalPosts]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Chicken says: "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet s**** itself."

[MovedGoalPosts]

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.

His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.

"See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."

"Maybe so," said Murphy........... "But I've got 'em working nights!"

Subject: Emergency services (KN)



> A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned
> in sick one day.
>
> Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
> dialed the employee's home
> phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>
> "Hello."
>
> "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>
> "Yes," whispered the small voice.
>
> "May I talk with him?"
> The child whispered, "No."
>
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
> "Is your
> Mommy there?"
>
> "Yes."
> "May I talk with her?"
>
> Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
> the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>
> "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
> the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>
> "No, he's busy," whispered the child.
>
> "Busy doing what?"
>
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
> whispered answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
> through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>
> "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
>
> "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>
> Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
> the helicopter."
>
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
> "What are they searching for?"
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
> giggle......."ME."

[bopdude]

Joke Of The Day:
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



Made me smile

[Derek]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the bed watching TV.

1st woman: so what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
.
.
.
.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive.

[Halcyon]

You'l love this one.....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely .All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious codagain and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

“Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, thee nemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."..................





























"I found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[Hom3r]

When I was a younger I said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me.

Now I am one they ain't laughing at me.

[jellybaby]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

[Stuartbe]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,















"I'm just a really bad conductor"