Jokes Thread

[Russ]

I despise 3 as much as anyone else but they were LAME.....

[PeopleSoftGuy]

Two Cows
----------

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

HUTCHISON WHAMPOA ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
One cow dies.
You claim to have twelve cows.

3 UK ECONOMICS
You have two cows but you sell one to cover operating losses.
You force your remaining cow to produce the milk of four cows.
It drops dead and you're forced to rent one of the Indian cows.

3 ITALY ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You claim they're not cows, they're mobile media elephants.

---------- Post added at 00:42 ---------- Previous post was at 00:41 ----------

Seasons Greetings
-----------------
The following message was emailed by Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman, Li Ka-shing, to all Hong Kong-based staff ...

Seasons Greetings. Normally at this time of year we treat our staff to a spectacular fireworks display over Hong Kong Harbour as an expression of our appreciation for your efforts throughout the year. However, we are living in troubled times and it is important that we remember people who are in greater need than ourselves. So this year we have decided to donate the cost of the fireworks display to a worthy cause.

It is a small amount of money but it will make a tremendous difference to the lives of people overseas who are living in dire circumstances. One day perhaps these unfortunate people may be able to stand on their own feet without assistance but today they desperately need our help.

This year our charitable donation will be going to 3UK.

---------- Post added at 00:44 ---------- Previous post was at 00:42 ----------

H3G UK Christmas Party
----------------------

The following message was emailed by 3UK's CEO to all staff ...

Due to the company's deteriorating finances I regret to inform you that there will be no fireworks at this year's Christmas party. I know many of you were looking forward to the fireworks but the money set aside for their purchase has been used to pay an overdue electricity bill.

Rather than dispense with the traditional Christmas fireworks display I've come up with a cost-effective alternative.

Don't do it now for God's sake! But during the Christmas party click on the URL below, and when the black box appears, click your mouse all over the black box.

http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html

I hope you enjoy the fireworks, and I pray that 2006 is kinder for the company than the last three years were (if not, we're screwed).

---------- Post added at 00:45 ---------- Previous post was at 00:44 ----------

You're No Dummy
----------------

Canning Fok is in the CEO's office. The CEO complains to Canning, "I don't get any respect around here. Everybody says I don't make any important decisions, that I just obey instructions issued in Hong Kong. They think I'm a puppet, a ventriloquist's dummy".

Canning says, "Don't be silly, no-one thinks you're a dummy. Come on, lets go and have a drink at the pub".

They enter the pub and sit by the bar. The CEO attracts the barman's attention and says, "Two pints of lager please".

The barman turns to Canning and says "Hey that was neat, I didn't even see your lips move".

---------- Post added at 00:46 ---------- Previous post was at 00:45 ----------

Automation
-----------

A 3G telecommunications company, who I cannot name, was losing millions of pounds every week so they hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could reduce costs without having a negative impact on customer service. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with unnecessary big expenses like salaries.

How? He would create several complex machines that could take over all of the customer care jobs. For example, when a customer walked into one of the new retail outlets a machine would assess the customer's needs by checking their temperature, blood pressure, and so forth. If, say, the machine deemed that the customer needed a new mobile phone service a conveyor belt would transport him/her to a booth where they would be locked in until an application form had been correctly filled in and the contract signed.

The consultant realized that this would be an unsettling experience for customers at first, so he arranged for a pre-recorded voice to be played throughout the process to guide the customer and to reassure them that everything was working properly.

After the new equipment had been installed everything worked as designed until the first customer had been whisked away and locked in a booth. This was when the voice recording said, "This automated system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ."

---------- Post added at 00:47 ---------- Previous post was at 00:46 ----------

The Three Marketeers
---------------------

3UK's CEO was angry. 'The uptake of video calling is essential for our survival,' he reminded the marketing men, 'but so far it has been a complete flop and we're facing disaster. Now go out there and do something about it!'

The marketing men had an idea and went to see the Pope. They said, 'We'll give a million pounds to the Church if you agree to change the Bible. Where it now says "Give us this day our daily bread" we'd like it to say "Give us this day our daily video call."'

The Pope was outraged, 'No. I won't tamper with the Word of God!'
'Okay, ten million pounds but that's our final offer.'

The Pope could resist no longer and accepted.

At the next General Council, the Pope announced, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I've made ten million pounds for the Church. The bad news is we've lost the Hovis account.'

---------- Post added at 00:48 ---------- Previous post was at 00:47 ----------

Blind Optimism
--------------

3 and LG have announced a new video phone specifically designed for blind people. The LG-Z880 has a grid of 3,600 pins instead of the usual screen. The pins rise individually from their normal positions to represent a video image that users can "see" with their fingertips.

According to Srini Krishnahardwani, the 3UK's Strategic Affairs Director, speaking from 3UK's Calcutta offices, "0.12 percent of Britain's population is blind which equates to seventy thousand people. We believe this design will allow blind people to participate in the video-calling phenomenon which we are still hopeful will one day sweep the country."

Sanjeev Chakravarthi, the Technical Solutions Director at 3UK, speaking from his Bangalore office said, "Video calls exemplify the 3G experience and Britain's blind people should not be left out. We have been approached by dozens of blind customers who told us they wanted a phone which would work for them. They want to be able to feel the faces of people calling them on their 3G phones."

3UK's Retail Marketing Director, Rajesh Chattopadhyay, speaking from his Mumbai office said, "The widespread adoption of video calling is vital for 3UK's success. So far the numbers of people making video calls is zero but we are confident this will change when our sighted customers realize that blind people can also participate."

The LG-Z880 will be available next month with a retail price of GBP 199.

---------- Post added at 00:49 ---------- Previous post was at 00:48 ----------

Greatest Asset
--------------

3UK's CEO hires a consultancy firm to find out why employee morale is so low. After studying the problem for six months the consultants reveal their findings to 3UK's senior management, "Your employees feel insecure. They doubt that their loyalty to the company is reciprocated and they believe that at any moment they could be fired on a whim. In short, your employees feel they are undervalued whereas, in our opinion, they are your company's greatest asset."

Upon this revelation the CEO's eyes light up, "Our employees are our greatest asset? I say we sell them."

---------- Post added at 00:49 ---------- Previous post was at 00:49 ----------

Lack of Customer Service
------------------------

Some cannibals get hired as computer programmers at 3UK. The CEO, welcoming them, says "You're in the United Kingdom now. You can earn good money here but you can't eat any of the other employees. If you do, your work visas might be revoked and you'll have to return home".

The cannibals aren't happy about this but they promise not to eat any of the other employees.

A few weeks later the CEO returns and says "You're all working very hard and, best of all, you're cheap. I'm very pleased with all of you. However I've come to tell you that our Chief Operating Officer is no longer with us". Worried that company morale will be damaged further by this revelation he asks, "Do any of you have anything to say regarding this matter?"

None of the cannibals express any concerns so, satisfied, he leaves.

After the CEO is safely out of earshot the leader of the cannibals says to the others, †œI don't believe this!! For weeks we've been eating customer service staff so no-one would notice anything, but then one of you idiots has to ruin everything by eating the C.O.O. !!"

---------- Post added at 00:50 ---------- Previous post was at 00:49 ----------

Stress Leave
------------

The company's chronic financial troubles took their toll on 3's CEO and his doctor recommended a week's rest at a psychiatric hospital. After a few days he was much improved. However the following week the firm was phoned and told that, sadly he had suffered a relapse. 'What happened?' asked his secretary. 'Well,' said the nurse, 'we put him to work in the laundry room sorting the coloured items from the whites.' 'Oh my goodness!' cried the secretary, 'you don't mean you asked him to make decisions?'

---------- Post added at 00:51 ---------- Previous post was at 00:50 ----------

Exodus of Senior Management
-----------------------------

Last month 3UK's CEO, COO and CTO were in a meeting room discussing the company's woes when they found an antique oil lamp. They rubbed it and a Genie came out. The Genie said, "I'll grant each of you just one wish".

"Me first! Me first!" said the COO. "I want to get out of here. I want to work somewhere where the customers aren't complaining all the time. I want to be COO of Vodafone". Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" said CTO. "I want to work somewhere with a good network and where the IT systems work properly. I want to be CTO of O2".
Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the Genie said to the CEO.

The CEO said, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".

[punky]

Originally Posted by PeopleSoftGuy

Two Cows

This version is much longer and better

[MovedGoalPosts]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."



MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Orior]

LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had actually been
thrown it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.







Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

[Hom3r]

How did Luke Skywlaker know what Darth Vader bought him for his birthday?





He felt his presents

[Gareth]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Gareth]

A salesman rings the doorbell of a house. The door is opened by a young boy smoking a cigar, holding a glass of brandy with a copy of Playboy under his arm. “Hello, sonny, is your mother in?” asks the salesman.
The boy flicked the ash off his cigar and said “What do you think?”

[MovedGoalPosts]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck".

---------- Post added at 19:47 ---------- Previous post was at 19:41 ----------

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

---------- Post added at 19:51 ---------- Previous post was at 19:47 ----------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b******!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with the same spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ******* b******!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bloke. Every time I asked to borrow
a spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

---------- Post added at 19:53 ---------- Previous post was at 19:51 ----------

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[MovedGoalPosts]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Hom3r]

Not a joke but it funny.

Theres a cafe in the US that called 'Road Kill Cafe' that will cook all the animals that you've hit.

There moto if 'From your grill to ours.'

One for the ladies.......

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a Great
length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5 ,000 for a male brain, and £200 for
A female brain"
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more ?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Another one for the ladies.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad

one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly

neither of them are hurt. ;

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So

you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just

look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be

friends and live together in peace for the rest of our

days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you

completely, this must be a sign from God!" ;

The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another

miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of

wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine

and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half

the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back

on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" ;

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the

police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with THEM!

[MovedGoalPosts]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied,"Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied,"Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad who asked him,"Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied,"No, sir." and tells his father the replies he got.

"Well son" the father replied " Surely it's obvious - potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."

[Gareth]

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “You’ve got to help me”, he says “I can’t stop deep-frying things in batter. I get up in the morning and deep-fry my boiled egg. I’ve deep-fried all my clothes and shoes. I’ve even deep-fried my bike and battered the cat! What’s wrong with me?”

“It’s obvious”, replied the psychiatrist, “You're frittering your life away!”