Jokes Thread

[Orior]

Thats actually very good!

[Graham]

Alan Davies actually told that one on QI about three weeks ago

[Gareth]

Two Welsh hill farmers were chatting when, in the distance, they saw a walker bend down, cup his hand, scoop up water from a stream and drink it.

†œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo (donââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t drink the water, the sheep have been pi**ing in it)ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� shouted one of the farmers, but the man took another handful and drank.

†œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddoââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�, shouted the farmer louder, but the man carried on drinking.

So the farmer ran down to the man and said again: †œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddoââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

†œI say old boyââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� said the walker †œI canââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t understand a blo*dy word youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re saying. Donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you speak English around here?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

The farmer said †œYes, I was just saying that if you use your other hand as well, youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll get more in, see!ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

[Orior]

Q) What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

A) Phillipe Phloppe

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They notice a sign
for a place called Betws-y-Coed and decide to head there for something
to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of
the town's name.

They stop for lunch and as they stand at the counter, one tourist asks
the girl, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for
us?"

The girl nods.

"Would you please pronounce where we are............ very slowly?"








The girl leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrrrrrr
Kinnnnnnnnngggggg."

[Halcyon]

LOL Nice one !

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

[Gareth]

very good

Originally Posted by yesman

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

Strange, she could hear the doctor but not her farts.

[Orior]

A man goes into the doctors and complains that he is always farting. The man lets a few off to show the doctor how bad it it.

The doctor agrees that its bad and then tells the man to lie down on a bed in the room. He then goes to the corner of the room and gets out a six foot long stick with a metal hook on the end of it.

The man gets worried and asks "Geez doctor, what are you going to do?"

"Well" replies the doctor "First of all I'm going to open a few windows"

Well i hope this has not been posted before


A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice," I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,

Spoiler: 

the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[Ramrod]

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

-

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

-

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

[iadom]

.....Mummy Mummy, Do they put up Christmas decorations in Vietnam?
Not usually. But I hear they might be hanging glitter this year!

[Hom3r]

Originally Posted by iadom

.....Mummy Mummy, Do they put up Christmas decorations in Vietnam?
Not usually. But I hear they might be hanging glitter this year!

Beat me to it LOL

[iadom]

Subject: Inner peace
Dear all
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off; a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel. Pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.