Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by punky

Not having a pop at you Zingle mate... But this Powerpoint jokes p**s me off... Why not just type the damn thing as text?!

I didnt compose it feel free to type it out dude I dont mind

[Gareth]

Got sent this earlier today...

Turn on your radio. Ronaldo had a car crash and broke both legs. His football career is over. Carlsberg don't send text messages but if they did they'd probably send the best text messages in the world

[jellybaby]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a
thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you
and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on
his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!"

[Gareth]

An English teacher says to her pupils "there are two words I do not allow in my classroom. One is gross and the other is cool" From the back of the room, a voice calls out "so what are the two words?"

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk Into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''
The drunk answers, ''Yes, I am.''
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him out
and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''
The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''
The drunk again answers, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and,when
he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?''
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher.....................
Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Gareth]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard!"

---------- Post added at 09:53 ---------- Previous post was at 09:43 ----------

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

---------- Post added at 09:59 ---------- Previous post was at 09:53 ----------

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

She shot herself in the left kneecap.

[jellybaby]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese sandwiches again. If I get a Ham & cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and also jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap.

"Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David made his own lunch."

---------- Post added at 11:15 ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 ----------

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad

is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is

already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the

good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we

go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for

a few seconds and asks ...........................


"Really !!! So where does Tigger come from?"

Kids Eh.......

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

[Graham M]

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy go golfing. Moses tee's off and hits the ball in a lake. He says "it's OK it's OK" and goes over and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. He says "it's ok it's ok," walks across the water, hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then the old guy tee's off. The ball flies into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle swoops down, picks up the rabbit and flies off. As they pass over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets a hole in 1.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate it when your dad plays."

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Originally Posted by Zeph

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy go golfing. Moses tee's off and hits the ball in a lake. He says "it's OK it's OK" and goes over and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. He says "it's ok it's ok," walks across the water, hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then the old guy tee's off. The ball flies into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle swoops down, picks up the rabbit and flies off. As they pass over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets a hole in 1.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate it when your dad plays."

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...&postcount=279

[Graham M]

Oh go away, that was nearly a year ago

[SOSAGES]

old joke police need to step back!

[carlingman]

Three young female clubbers were amazed to see Alex Ferguson out one night enjoying a pint.
Apparently, one young lady approached Ferguson and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Ferguson "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Alex signed, just above her knee where she pointed.

Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Alex, sign here" she promptly lifts up her top. Ferguson of course being a gent duly obliges.

The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Alex exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said Ferguson "but only JosÃÃâ€*’© Mourinho signs tw*ts!"

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at McDonald's restaurant in Florida, USA. They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a great severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
'post-it' notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That's why I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50lbs? 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Paul K]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"
asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

Spoiler: 

"Your mother must have been a carrier"