Jokes Thread

[Derek]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?"
"My name is Bob", says the boy.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?"
"My name is Steve" says the boy.
"And what is your question Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob?"

[bw41101]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. However, within a few weeks the gorilla (a female), became very boisterous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla (of the same species) available.

Thinking about their problem, the head Zoo Keeper immediately thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. He was a likeable character and strong as an ox but not the brightest of individuals also (being extremely hairy), he was often referred to as "little kong" by his workmates.

Considering this, the keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Boaby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae tell naebedy aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gonnae havtae give me another week to come up with the £500"

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own "cough insert expletive" blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[bw41101]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but decides not to mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! and just maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips and He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they enjoy a night of passion more than she has ever known.

After this intense, explosive night of raw passion,lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

[Cobbydaler]

How many thriller writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to screw it nearly all the way in and another to give it a surprising little twist at the end....

This made me giggle

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:




(It's a beauty)









(Wait for it)











(Get your best Chinese accent ready)















"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[Octal]

That made me chuckle

I was chopping carrots in the kitchen with the grim reaper... yes, I was dicing with death!

[Cobbydaler]

A fly was having a nice meal while resting on some dog poo.

Suddenly there was a buzzing sound & another fly landed next to him.

"Hey man, haven't seen you around for a while", said the first fly.

The other fly replied "No I've been on the sick"...

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Originally Posted by Enuff

This made me giggle

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:




(It's a beauty)









(Wait for it)











(Get your best Chinese accent ready)















"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Shame it was here 6 months ago

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...l#post34336631

[bw41101]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. but it turns out that he's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work" says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still too narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until she says "Stop that's enough" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. "Oh really - how come?" she replies "she constantly kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!"

[Graham M]

Originally Posted by bw41101

The year is 2222<snip>

LoL! Oh dear

[Derek]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some crap. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his crap, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out"

The crowd is up on their feet. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford.

Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says (in an Iraqi accent). "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"

[sherer]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you fool, for the last time..........












BRING POSSE!!!!