Home News Forum Articles
  Welcome back Join CF
You are here You are here: Home | Forum | Jokes Thread

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most of the discussions, articles and other free features. By joining our Virgin Media community you will have full access to all discussions, be able to view and post threads, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload your own images/photos, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please join our community today.


Welcome to Cable Forum
Go Back   Cable Forum > Entertainment > General Entertainment

Jokes Thread
Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-03-2005, 14:29   #1
punky
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Age: 42
Posts: 14,750
punky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aura
punky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aurapunky has a golden aura
Jokes Thread



Remember that study a while back where they found that how a woman desires a man is based on her stage of the menstral cycle? Well the doctors found something else:

They found that when a woman is ovulating, she likes a man with rugged facial features. When the woman is menstruating, she prefers the man to be doused in petrol, on fire, and with a pair of scissors sticking out of his temple.

(shameless ripped from Nuts this week )
punky is offline   Reply With Quote
Advertisement
Old 11-03-2005, 14:33   #2
Hom3r
Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
 
Hom3r's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,864
Hom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Hom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

oldie alert


Whats the hottest part of the Sun??






PAGE 3
__________________
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
Hom3r is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2005, 00:11   #3
Hom3r
Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
 
Hom3r's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,864
Hom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Hom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

see attached
__________________
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
Hom3r is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2005, 02:04   #4
Earl of Bronze
Guest
 
Location: Belfast
Posts: n/a
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

And another funny email.......


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2005, 22:50   #5
Hom3r
Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
 
Hom3r's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,864
Hom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny starsHom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Hom3r has a pair of shiny stars
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

http://www.darwinawards.com/

enuff said
__________________
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
Hom3r is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-03-2005, 18:32   #6
Halcyon
Hello !
 
Halcyon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Somewhere
Services: Sky, AppleTV, Netflix
Posts: 16,625
Halcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered stars
Halcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered starsHalcyon is seeing silvered stars
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society
__________________
.
-

Halcyon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-03-2005, 00:49   #7
MetaWraith
Inactive
 
MetaWraith's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: 2nd CPU to the right & past the cache
Posts: 1,949
MetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appeal
MetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appealMetaWraith has a bronzed appeal
Send a message via ICQ to MetaWraith Send a message via AIM to MetaWraith Send a message via MSN to MetaWraith Send a message via Yahoo to MetaWraith
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a new generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, and of course ibepokin.
MetaWraith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-03-2005, 00:56   #8
Nikko
Inactive
 
Nikko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Nottingham
Age: 67
Posts: 1,382
Nikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appeal
Nikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appealNikko has a bronzed appeal
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MetaWraith
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a new generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, and of course ibepokin.
It must have been a hard decision
Nikko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-03-2005, 20:25   #9
Orior
Permanently Banned
 
Orior's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Beal Feirste
Posts: 736
Orior has reached the bronze age
Orior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze ageOrior has reached the bronze age
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

An American arrives in Heathrow airport, picks up his suitcase and then asks a local gent "Where are the taxis at?"

The snobbish english gent advises "You should not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Okay" replies the Yank "Where are the taxis at, asshole?"
Orior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-03-2005, 20:34   #10
iadom
Oh Lanky Lanky.
 
iadom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Shaw, Oldham, Lancashire.
Services: 2 V6 running 360. 500mb BB, Phone line, mobile simm.
Posts: 7,956
iadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny star
iadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny star
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikko
It must have been a hard decision
Trust you to rise to that one.
iadom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-03-2005, 22:03   #11
goldoni
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,590
goldoni has reached the bronze age
goldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze agegoldoni has reached the bronze age
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...."
goldoni is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-03-2005, 22:36   #12
Florence
Inactive
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Services: The wonders of Sky TV BT line and Aquiss.net ADSL cable dies on 5th RIP VM.
Posts: 4,004
Florence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appeal
Florence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appealFlorence has a bronzed appeal
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and
his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you
get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what
a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I
don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child abuser.

Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up
there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the! yard
calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?) YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! THEY ARE.


"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!"

WOMEN ARE GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!
Florence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-03-2005, 23:43   #13
MadGamer
Eva Longoria Fan
 
MadGamer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Essex
Age: 36
Services: Sky multiroom (Sky Q) Sky Fibre Unlimited Sky Landline
Posts: 8,851
MadGamer has a nice shiny star
MadGamer has a nice shiny starMadGamer has a nice shiny star
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

What team does Michael Jackson Support?

Kiddaminster
MadGamer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-03-2005, 20:21   #14
pooroldjoe
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Stevenage
Age: 99
Posts: 80
pooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of lightpooroldjoe is a glorious beacon of light
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Married 40 years, they decided to take separate holidays.
He goes to California, She goes to Miami.
After the first week they phone.
She †œHow you doing?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â
He †œGreat, I met a young starlet and she is taking me round Hollywood and showing me a really great time. How about you?â₠¬Ã‚
She †œWell I met a handsome young Lifeguard who is squiring me round town. I am having a really good timeâ₠¬Ã‚.
He †œWell I bet Iâ₠™m having a better time than you!â₠¬Ã‚
She † No, Iâ₠™m having a much better time than you, and I can prove it mathematically


- -- because 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20!ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚
pooroldjoe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21-03-2005, 18:37   #15
iadom
Oh Lanky Lanky.
 
iadom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Shaw, Oldham, Lancashire.
Services: 2 V6 running 360. 500mb BB, Phone line, mobile simm.
Posts: 7,956
iadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny star
iadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny stariadom has a nice shiny star
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,

he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need

water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a

tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that

hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later

the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said,

"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that

hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without

a tie"
__________________
BRITIS HOSPITALITY

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore

the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and

occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat

with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds

himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs,

no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.



He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds

a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.



As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who

says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really

HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."



"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back

"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,


and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the



cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.



As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really

decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"



"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
iadom is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 17:19.


Server: osmium.zmnt.uk
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.