Jokes Thread

[carlingman]

Murphy was on a quiz show and the quiz master says
For £1000 pounds Murphy please complete the following song title -
"Ole Mcdonald had a ****"
Murphy replied "farm"
The quiz msater said for £10000 pounds spell it
Murphy panicked and said "E I E I O"

Murphy opened a pub on the moon but it failed as it had no atmosphere.

There were an Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman trying to score a free ticket entry to the Olympics.

The Englishman seen a wooden pole lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Bentley, England, Pole Vault" and got in

The Scotsman seen a man hole cover lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Mcgregor, Scotland, Discuss" and got in

The Irishman seen a roll of barbed wire lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Murphy, Ireland, Fencing"

Murphy turns to Flanagan and says "I have bad news and good news"
So Flanagan says "Whats the bad news" and Murph says "The English have landed on the moon" and Flanagan says "Ok so what is the goodnews" so Murph says "All of them"


Down on their luck Casey and Murphy are walking through the streets of London and they see a sign in a restaurant window saying "If we cannot serve a meal you ask for we will pay you £100"
Casey says to Murphy "Come on lets give it a try" and erring on the side of caution Murphy says "What if they serve us what we order" and Casey replies "Well we can always wash dishes to pay for the meal"
They enter the Restaurant and order Elephant Kidneys on toast and 5 minutes later the waiter arrives back at the table and hands over £100 and says "Your in luck we just ran out of bread"


Finally -

Murphy gets called into his sons school and is told by the headmaster "Your son is in a class of his own"
Murphy says "Superb I did not know he was doing so well"
The Headmaster replies "He is not he smells"

[me283]

OK, before any ladies read this, I really DO like blondes, honest!

There is a blonde convention, and 30,000 of them are in a stadium. One lucky blonde is plucked from the crowd to win a million pounds. The compere says: "OK, what is 5 plus 7?" The blonde thinks a wile, and says "23?". The compere looks down, and the crowd all yell "Give her another chance!"

So, feeling pity, the compere says "OK, what is 4 plus 5?" Again, she thinks a while, and says "Is it 7?" Again, he looks down, and 30,000 blondes in the stadium all shout "Give her another chance!"

Feeling immense pity, but also great smugness, the compere says"OK, last chance, for a million pounds... what is 2 plus 2?" The blonde thinks a while, then says "Is it... 4?" And 30,000 blondes in the stadium all shouted "Give her another chance...!"

I'll get my coat...

[MovedGoalPosts]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid ! not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens - that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[AndrewJ]

Want a Joke head to Currys in Rochdale.


Thats a bloody joke.

[grandmaster]

Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkeson for the first time.
Kate says "so what do you do"
he replies "i do top gear"

"Really" she says "how much"




Di dum tish

Thank you i'm here all week

Ill' get mi coat

[grandmaster]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter
replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy
man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have
to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is
£200,00 0 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind
the counter said "Well you started it!"
__________________

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

[Orior]

Poor taste 'joke' removed.

[grandmaster]

Originally Posted by Orior

Poor taste 'joke' removed.

i dont geddit...

Whats the punchline?

Originally Posted by grandmaster

i dont geddit...

Whats the punchline?

It was as sick as sick could be.

[Orior]

Actually, the removed joke as nominated as one of the best ever short jokes. Don't know why its more offensive than any other joke. For example, is making jokes about Kate Moss and crack offensive to people who have lost loved ones to drugs?

[Florence]

This is something that actually happened recently in the vets.

I arrived at the vets to collect a kitten that was in for castration. There was a young couple already at the receptionist counter so I had to wait.
The young man asked if their cat was ready for collection and was told that it was. He then asked what was it they had done to complete the operation. His partner looked at him smiled and went to sit down. The young lady receptionist went rather red and said we had to remove his balls sir and they call it castration. The bloke winced and walked of to join his partner. I saw the receptionists embarrassment and said can always trust a man to ask the awkward questions.

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel :

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: (yeah right)

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[MovedGoalPosts]

2 statues in a park, one male and the other female and they have been giving visitors pleasure over a number of decades.

one day god decides one day that they deserve to be rewarded and that the reward would be one hour of life that evening - when the park closes and the last of the public have left, the two statues come alive.

sure enough they come alive and they hold hands and run to the nearest bush. the park is quiet and the only noise to be heard is the moans and groans of the two behind the bushes!

some 30 mins later they reappear looking flushed and excited. The female looks at the clock standing at the gates and says "we still have 30 mins left, do you want to do it again?" the male replies "yes but this time you hold the damn pigeons down and I will s*** on them!"

[liamboyle06]

Q. WHAT do you call a orang-utan with no head, arms or legs?

A. A Coconut