Jokes Thread

[Ramrod]

link

[marky]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

link

sounds like marvin the paranoid andriod

[AndrewJ]

Sounds like the female version of HAL.

While on the rag.

[marky]

Originally Posted by Saxodriver

Sounds like the female version of HAL.

While on the rag.

hol red drawf

[Nikko]

I really felt for that poor server and have petitioned the owner to pull the plug cleanly on its behalf.

[Gareth]

Ad in Melbourne dating section

Wanted:
A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

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PS If you are interested only read lines 1 3 and 5

[Alan E]

Good story.........

I was up to my usual DIY tricks at the weekend , and pulled off a mighty
blunder even for my standards !


We're going on holiday next weekend ( driving to Scarborough) so I thought
I'd give the car a jolly good servicing a week in advance so that we'd have
a week of system test before going live !





Anyway, after the plugs /air filter and oil filter I started on the fuel
filter, which is right underneath the car near the petrol tank. I knew that
without the fuel pump running the only petrol that could leak out would be
whatever was in the filter, and whatever was in the fuel line up to the
injection manifold. The filter itself is probably the biggest I've seen on
any car, about the size of a 1L bottle of pop.





Can you see where this story is heading ?


I BET you're wrong !





So , the fuel pump and the filter were mounted in this cage affair with
several bolts holding it on, so I undid everything and after about 5
minutes managed to get access to the banjo bolts attaching the fuel line to
either end of the filter. I carefully put my fag out , then undid the
nearest bolt and WHOOSH , petrol sprayed out with a mighty force, straight
into my face and eyes. The burning sensation was instant, and in my haste
to get away from the pain I tried to sit up......forgetting I was lying
down under a large and very solid car........and promptly made a large dent
in the petrol tank......and a matching lump on my forehead.





After a couple of minutes my vision returned and I could see that the
pressure in the fuel line had subsided, as it was just dripping now, so I
got under the car and removed both bolts and whipped the old one off. I
then set about hooking up the new one, fitting it in it's cage, and
re-bolting the cage to the chassis.....a process that must've taken 10
minutes tops.





I bet you didn't know that 10 minutes is just about the right amount of
time required for petrol to dissolve bitumen to a thick liquid, then
evaporate away making the bitumen solidify again ??? neither did I ,
until I tried to get out from under the car and discovered the back of my
head was welded solid to the road ! It sounds funny now, but at the time I
got into quite a panic...... I tried rolling my head, but it was too
painful and I could hear the hair tearing.... In the end I just had to try
and lift my head straight off the ground, as it was least painful method,
and suddenly ...........DING ...... another big dent in the petrol tank,
and a large chunk of road stuck to the back of my head.





By now I was looking like the elephant man, and was in a rather bad mood,
so imagine my despair when I turned the ignition on activating the fuel
pump, and looked under the car to see gallons of petrol spraying out from
both ends of the newly fitted filter. The banjo bolts had copper washers
either side, and the new filter did not come with any, so I just stuck the
old ones on, which was obviously a bad idea.





Anyway five garages later I managed to get the right size copper washers
and completed the task in a new record time of 4 hours 50 minutes !





So......to sum up.......if you ever find yourself with a large area of road
stuck to your head, don't do as I did , and try pouring petrol on your head
to dissolve it, as although the magic elves were very entertaining for a
while, the resulting headache , and burning eyes were not.


After watching me dancing around the street pouring petrol on my head for
about 10 minutes, my wise old neighbour Dave decided enough was enough ,
and suggested I try some vasoline instead. After a quick vote amongst the
elves it was agreed.... So I proceeded to slap an entire tub of vasoline
all over the back of my head.





It was about this time that my parents in law walked in, to see me slouched
in the chair, glowing bloodshot eyes, two enormous eggs on my head,
accompanied by a large chunk of tarmac , and topped off with a kingsize
dollop of vasoline.





It was a very amusing moment.

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Alan E

Good story.........

I was up to my usual DIY tricks at the weekend , and pulled off a mighty
blunder even for my standards !


We're going on holiday next weekend ( driving to Scarborough) so I thought
I'd give the car a jolly good servicing a week in advance so that we'd have
a week of system test before going live !





Anyway, after the plugs /air filter and oil filter I started on the fuel
filter, which is right underneath the car near the petrol tank. I knew that
without the fuel pump running the only petrol that could leak out would be
whatever was in the filter, and whatever was in the fuel line up to the
injection manifold. The filter itself is probably the biggest I've seen on
any car, about the size of a 1L bottle of pop.





Can you see where this story is heading ?


I BET you're wrong !





So , the fuel pump and the filter were mounted in this cage affair with
several bolts holding it on, so I undid everything and after about 5
minutes managed to get access to the banjo bolts attaching the fuel line to
either end of the filter. I carefully put my fag out , then undid the
nearest bolt and WHOOSH , petrol sprayed out with a mighty force, straight
into my face and eyes. The burning sensation was instant, and in my haste
to get away from the pain I tried to sit up......forgetting I was lying
down under a large and very solid car........and promptly made a large dent
in the petrol tank......and a matching lump on my forehead.





After a couple of minutes my vision returned and I could see that the
pressure in the fuel line had subsided, as it was just dripping now, so I
got under the car and removed both bolts and whipped the old one off. I
then set about hooking up the new one, fitting it in it's cage, and
re-bolting the cage to the chassis.....a process that must've taken 10
minutes tops.





I bet you didn't know that 10 minutes is just about the right amount of
time required for petrol to dissolve bitumen to a thick liquid, then
evaporate away making the bitumen solidify again ??? neither did I ,
until I tried to get out from under the car and discovered the back of my
head was welded solid to the road ! It sounds funny now, but at the time I
got into quite a panic...... I tried rolling my head, but it was too
painful and I could hear the hair tearing.... In the end I just had to try
and lift my head straight off the ground, as it was least painful method,
and suddenly ...........DING ...... another big dent in the petrol tank,
and a large chunk of road stuck to the back of my head.





By now I was looking like the elephant man, and was in a rather bad mood,
so imagine my despair when I turned the ignition on activating the fuel
pump, and looked under the car to see gallons of petrol spraying out from
both ends of the newly fitted filter. The banjo bolts had copper washers
either side, and the new filter did not come with any, so I just stuck the
old ones on, which was obviously a bad idea.





Anyway five garages later I managed to get the right size copper washers
and completed the task in a new record time of 4 hours 50 minutes !





So......to sum up.......if you ever find yourself with a large area of road
stuck to your head, don't do as I did , and try pouring petrol on your head
to dissolve it, as although the magic elves were very entertaining for a
while, the resulting headache , and burning eyes were not.


After watching me dancing around the street pouring petrol on my head for
about 10 minutes, my wise old neighbour Dave decided enough was enough ,
and suggested I try some vasoline instead. After a quick vote amongst the
elves it was agreed.... So I proceeded to slap an entire tub of vasoline
all over the back of my head.





It was about this time that my parents in law walked in, to see me slouched
in the chair, glowing bloodshot eyes, two enormous eggs on my head,
accompanied by a large chunk of tarmac , and topped off with a kingsize
dollop of vasoline.








It was a very amusing moment.

Is this about you mate?

[AndrewJ]

Heres Some of my fav blonde jokes .....

1.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"



2.
What do blondes and cow patties have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.


3.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"


4.
Two women jump off a bridge, one was blonde and the other brunette. Who hits the ground first?

The brunette, she just fell but the blonde had to stop to ask for directions

[Ramrod]

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration and security.

Notice in Butchers shop

"Can parents please refrain from seating their children on the meat slicer while waiting, as we've been getting a little behind with our orders recently"


************************************************** *******

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundrette
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT .

In a London shop:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

[Hom3r]

What do Esses girls use for protection?







A Bus shelter

[Ramrod]

Romantic poetry for gamers:

Roses are red
violets are blue
all of my base
are belong to you



__________________

Time for prayers:

Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too ****ed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.


__________________

Jesus Saves.................... passes to moses, SCOOOOORE!
__________________

The most secure computer in the world is one not connected to the internet.
.............Thats why I recommend ntl broadband.
__________________

In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

[Angua]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

Yes please, justice would be done indeed

[marky]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

__________________



The most secure computer in the world is one not connected to the internet.
.............Thats why I recommend ntl broadband.

I'll second that