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Old 11-12-2005, 14:35   #361
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The Vet

A woman brought a very limp duck into a
veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the
vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck
Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he
replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I
mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and
left the room, and returned a few moments later
with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and
returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot. The
cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!!

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken
my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but
with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.
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Old 11-12-2005, 20:21   #362
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check.

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great......just great.....Some a**hole's got my pen"
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Old 11-12-2005, 22:21   #363
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has
happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,inspector", says
the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the
smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the
coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal,
30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires
the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken."
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Old 11-12-2005, 22:28   #364
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

When I die I want to die in my sleep like my grandad, Not this his passengers screaming and shouting in his bus
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Old 12-12-2005, 16:01   #365
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

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must remember to use the search function before posting
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Old 12-12-2005, 19:51   #366
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A man on his deathbed and calls his wife over. 'Honey' he says 'When I die, will you please marry that engineer from NTL.'

His wife said 'But I thought you hated that engineer from NTL'.

The man replied 'I do'.
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Old 14-12-2005, 13:56   #367
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

It has been confimed by the police that George Best was not buried in Northern Ireland. They have also said that having his cremation in Hemel Hemstead may have been a mistake
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Old 14-12-2005, 17:32   #368
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The BBC have censored their initial reports into the Hemel fire which showed the arrival of firemen on the scene.
Apparently and old green goddess raced into the site before any other fire engines were ready.
Media crews were amazed to see the crew of geriatrics quickly jump out and tackle the fire immediately around them before getting back onto the aging appliance and retreating to the main road.
When told they were heros and asked what they would do next, John Bromfield, in charge of the appliace replied "get those damn brakes fixed!"
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Old 18-12-2005, 00:52   #369
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Wink [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Heres a good geeky joke for you . Its your christmas present!

Quote:
Home For All Eternity:

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."

"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"


"What about the PC?"

"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it`s missing three keys,"

"Which three ? "

"Control,Alt and Delete."

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Old 19-12-2005, 04:57   #370
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[Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

At dawn the telephone rings.


"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."



SILENCE...................





"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!"
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Old 23-12-2005, 07:55   #371
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

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Old 25-12-2005, 22:22   #372
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A bloke joint a silent order of monks, that are only aloud to speak every 7 years.
He goes about his silent duties for the next 7 years.

After 7 seven years he is asked how are things, 'not bad' he replys 'the only thing is that its cold in my room, could I have another blanket.' 'Sure, you only have to ask' came the reply.

After another 7 years he is ask how he is gettiong on 'ok' he says 'but my pillow is too low could I have another.' 'Sure, you only have to ask' came the reply.

7 years later he is asked how are things 'well' he said ' I've been thing about leaving for sometime.'

the cheif monk said 'well you might as well you've done nothing but moan since you've got here.'
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Old 30-12-2005, 10:27   #373
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet in to his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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Old 06-01-2006, 20:43   #374
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Behind every great man is a great woman...and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!
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Old 13-01-2006, 14:33   #375
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The best blonde joke ever.

http://images.chatshow.net/celebs/an...ombe_large.jpg
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