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Old 06-01-2021, 11:43   #1816
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

https://twitter.com/andrewtucker75/s...80275125190656
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Old 09-01-2021, 11:16   #1817
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Old 20-01-2021, 14:10   #1818
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Citizen: How do I know that you're a genuine taxman?
Taxman: Pass me a stone.
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Old 28-01-2021, 09:44   #1819
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Joke going around in Russia now:

"The police reported several hundred protesters on Saturday, and a few thousand of them were arrested."
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Old 01-04-2021, 11:03   #1820
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Re: Jokes Thread

I don't tell many people this but my great grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two, in fact many people think it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot
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Old 04-04-2021, 13:13   #1821
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Re: Jokes Thread

Me: Doctor I've swallowed my Fountain Pen, what can I do?


Dr: Use a pencil
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Old 08-04-2021, 11:14   #1822
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Re: Jokes Thread

I think my rooster is ill...it just laid an egg!

----
PC : I think we can close the Dick Turpin case sarge, we found his hiding place!
Sarge : Where was that?
PC : Highgate Cemetery



(Adapted from The Goons).
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Old 08-05-2021, 03:28   #1823
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Re: Jokes Thread

Two cows were playing cards and smoking weed

The steaks were very high
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Old 09-05-2021, 12:32   #1824
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Re: Jokes Thread


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
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Old 10-05-2021, 16:46   #1825
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Re: Jokes Thread

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

or

Jand ate her friend's colon
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Old 11-05-2021, 01:01   #1826
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Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugh View Post
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

or

Jand ate her friend's colon
With some fava beans and a nice chianti
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Old 12-05-2021, 14:55   #1827
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Re: Jokes Thread

"T shirt" is the abbreviated form of "Tyrannosaurus shirt" due to the short arms.
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Old 27-05-2021, 12:17   #1828
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Re: Jokes Thread

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
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Old 27-05-2021, 13:27   #1829
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Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hugh View Post
What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
Can't fault your spelling or counting
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Old 27-05-2021, 14:18   #1830
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Re: Jokes Thread

You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.

What colour is the bear?

Spoiler: 
White. The only place the house can be is at the North pole
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