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Old 31-10-2012, 16:43   #1711
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Happy Halloween or all saints day.


A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears: Bump...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops


AND THERES MORE.......

---------- Post added at 16:43 ---------- Previous post was at 15:30 ----------

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. I must warn you it's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "todays market price is about £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain"...

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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Old 01-11-2012, 16:24   #1712
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.
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Old 02-11-2012, 08:50   #1713
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
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Old 02-11-2012, 09:14   #1714
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

A remarkable new device has just been launched that will make your car 95% quieter.

Spoiler: 
It fits right over her mouth.
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Old 02-11-2012, 15:49   #1715
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
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Old 02-11-2012, 16:10   #1716
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

I went diving with Dean Martin and got attacked by an eel. "what the hell was that" I screamed. He turned and said "thats a moray".
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Old 03-11-2012, 16:04   #1717
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

I use to be addicted to time travel,
but now that's all in the past.
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Old 05-11-2012, 13:22   #1718
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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Old 05-11-2012, 13:38   #1719
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vieil Homme View Post
Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
That is absolutely superb.
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Old 05-11-2012, 14:40   #1720
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vieil Homme View Post
Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
In a similar vein:

Man: Can I get a sack of potatoes for my wife.
Shop-keeper: I don't know. How much is she worth?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alanbjames View Post
I use to be addicted to time travel,
but now that's all in the past.
I used to like tractors a lot but now I don't. You could say I'm an extractor fan.

---------- Post added at 14:40 ---------- Previous post was at 14:33 ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by thenry View Post
"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. "
Just reviewing the ones I have missed and I have two things to say.

1. Thanks. Been trying to remember this one for a while
and
2. I think that one's older than I am :p
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:43   #1721
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

if apple made cars, would it have windows?
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Old 07-11-2012, 13:14   #1722
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

George W. Bush and Willard M. Romney. Not too bad until they open their mouths. Then it all gets ruined.
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Old 07-11-2012, 13:54   #1723
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

The presidential thread is that way -> This is a jokes thread
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Old 07-11-2012, 14:13   #1724
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carlwaring View Post
The presidential thread is that way -> This is a jokes thread
Bush (both of them) were jokes as President
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Old 07-11-2012, 16:02   #1725
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Twas a poor attempt at political humour from me.
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