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Old 12-06-2008, 13:48   #1111
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Old 12-06-2008, 17:28   #1112
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW


"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!"


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign.
You may ask, "what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?."


Answer:


A Funeral Parlour


(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!


God Bless Scotland
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Old 12-06-2008, 18:54   #1113
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Funeral Directors have a very well developed sense of humour. Goes with the job.
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Old 12-06-2008, 19:57   #1114
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by zinglebarb View Post
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW



"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!"




This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign.
You may ask, "what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?."



Answer:




A Funeral Parlour



(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!



God Bless Scotland
Nice one zing, you had my blood pressure rising rapidly until I saw the punchline.
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Old 12-06-2008, 21:29   #1115
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a f***ing toffee apple.

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Old 12-06-2008, 22:06   #1116
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramrod View Post
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a f***ing toffee apple.


ahem

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34349739-post789.html
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Old 15-06-2008, 19:05   #1117
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Just saw this on NTHW Gaming.

Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but actually aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

In Golf:

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.

In The Office:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there!
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Old 16-06-2008, 18:31   #1118
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

A question of outlook...

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's in the sales.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Old 17-06-2008, 10:34   #1119
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

His lordship is in the middle of taking a bath when Waddle (his butler) enters.

Butler. "You rang Sir"?
Lord. " Ah Waddle - go and fetch me a hot towel and a large brandy"
Butler. "Yes sir"

As Waddle leaves the bathroom, his lordship noisily breaks wind in the bath. Five minutes later Waddle returns with the hot towel, a brandy and a water bottle.

Lord. "what's this Waddle I didn't ask for a water bottle"?
Butler. "You did Sir"?
Lord. "No I didn't"
Butler. "But Sir, I specifically heard you say as I left the bathroom - whadda abadda a woddaboddle Waddle"?

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Old 24-06-2008, 14:39   #1120
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Two Englishmen are walking along O’Connell Street in Dublin when they see a sign which reads as follows:

Suits 15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each, trousers 2.50 euro per pair

Steve says to Trevor, "Look at that. We could buy a load of that gear and when we get back to London, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, don't say anything. Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so i'll speak in my best London accent."

They go in and Steve orders 50 suits at 15.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're from England, aren't you?"

"Oh, . . yes, how the blazes did you know that?" asks Steve

The owner says, "Because this is a f**king dry-cleaners . !"
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Old 26-06-2008, 00:21   #1121
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orior View Post
Two Englishmen are walking along O’Connell Street in Dublin when they see a sign which reads as follows:

Suits 15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each, trousers 2.50 euro per pair

Steve says to Trevor, "Look at that. We could buy a load of that gear and when we get back to London, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, don't say anything. Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so i'll speak in my best London accent."

They go in and Steve orders 50 suits at 15.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're from England, aren't you?"

"Oh, . . yes, how the blazes did you know that?" asks Steve

The owner says, "Because this is a f**king dry-cleaners . !"
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Old 27-06-2008, 13:19   #1122
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xaccers View Post
Okay, Cockney, but that sounds rude.
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Old 30-06-2008, 17:08   #1123
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orior View Post
Okay, Cockney, but that sounds rude.
Funny you should say that because (on several occaisions) when I was in London, I had many negative responses from the locals. Whenever I asked for directions, they seemed hell bent on stopping me getting where I wanted to go, I.e. often repeating "you can't - you can't"

In the end I just gave up asking.

Si thee.
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Old 02-07-2008, 04:24   #1124
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

There is a factory in Kansas which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo' s all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..'


'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.


Apologies if this is already posted, I just got it in an email and had to share.
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Old 05-07-2008, 14:52   #1125
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3.. The smallest is the male sperm.

4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!
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