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Old 05-11-2012, 14:38   #1711
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vieil Homme View Post
Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
That is absolutely superb.
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Old 05-11-2012, 15:40   #1712
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vieil Homme View Post
Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
In a similar vein:

Man: Can I get a sack of potatoes for my wife.
Shop-keeper: I don't know. How much is she worth?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alanbjames View Post
I use to be addicted to time travel,
but now that's all in the past.
I used to like tractors a lot but now I don't. You could say I'm an extractor fan.

---------- Post added at 14:40 ---------- Previous post was at 14:33 ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by thenry View Post
"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. "
Just reviewing the ones I have missed and I have two things to say.

1. Thanks. Been trying to remember this one for a while
and
2. I think that one's older than I am :p
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Old 07-11-2012, 13:43   #1713
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

if apple made cars, would it have windows?
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Old 07-11-2012, 14:14   #1714
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

George W. Bush and Willard M. Romney. Not too bad until they open their mouths. Then it all gets ruined.
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Old 07-11-2012, 14:54   #1715
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

The presidential thread is that way -> This is a jokes thread
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Old 07-11-2012, 15:13   #1716
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carlwaring View Post
The presidential thread is that way -> This is a jokes thread
Bush (both of them) were jokes as President
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Old 07-11-2012, 17:02   #1717
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Twas a poor attempt at political humour from me.
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Old 07-11-2012, 17:21   #1718
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkC1984 View Post
Twas a poor attempt at political humour from me.
There have been less funny "jokes" in this thread
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Old 07-11-2012, 17:40   #1719
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkC1984 View Post
Twas a poor attempt at political humour from me.
Very poor
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Old 07-11-2012, 18:54   #1720
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

I blame my antibiotics for that. Sorry. Ignore me over the next few days if I speak rubbish. And negative rep to first person who says what's new.
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Old 07-11-2012, 20:45   #1721
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkC1984 View Post
I blame my antibiotics for that. Sorry. Ignore me over the next few days if I speak rubbish. And negative rep to first person who says what's new.
I was actually going to say "join the club"
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Old 08-11-2012, 16:15   #1722
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Why We Love Children

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
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Old 09-11-2012, 13:57   #1723
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

The world is £4 trillion in debt.

Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
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Old 15-11-2012, 22:04   #1724
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Have you heard the one about having a licence to smoke?
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Old 15-11-2012, 22:18   #1725
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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.
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