Jokes Thread

[Orior]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

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"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

[Graham]

Why can't these foreigners learn English...?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article...854900,00.html

[Ramrod]

Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.

[Hom3r]

Here are some joke applications (same my have been posted here)

[Hom3r]

enjoy

[Graham]

American thoughts for the day...

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

[Hom3r]

The OBGYN Story


For all those who tend to be humiliated at the OB-GYN office... (Gynecologist)

A Melbourne, Florida, radio station paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300!!

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a phone call from his office. I had been rescheduled for 9:30 a.m. that morning.

I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t have any time to spare.

As most women do, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in †œthat areaââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there. I was a little surprised when he said †œmy...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, havenââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t we?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� But I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t respond.

The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief, and went home. The rest of the day went normally-some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc.


At 8:30 that evening, my 14 year old daughter was getting ready to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, †œMom, whereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s my washcloth?ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, †œNo! I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it!!â₠¬Ã‚Â�

[Hom3r]

BBC Delivery Blunder



It seems that the BBC are not immune to the occasional blunder, as this recent true story shows.

Someone in London recently sent an urgent video tape via courier which duly arrived in the post room at the BBC Bristol office. Upon arrival of the package, one of the post room staff noticed that the label was peeling off and so decided to replace it with a new one. He peeled it off and stuck it on the fridge next to his desk, ready to copy the address down after lunch.

The next morning the sender of the tape was surprised to find the following message on his voicemail:

"First saved message: message received yesterday at 9.20am."

"Hi Paul, this is Beth. We have an emergency. Apparently you gave the courier a six-foot fridge to be delivered to BBC Bristol instead of the tape we need in the studio today. Could you call me on 0117-xxx-xxxx as soon as you get this message? Bye."

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little *****!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now p*ss off!"

[Derek]

Did you read David Blunketts resignation statement?

Originally Posted by David Blunkett

... .. ..... ....... ... ... .. .. . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... ......... .. . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... ........... . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... ........... . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... ........... . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... ........... . . . ... ....... ........ ... . ... ... ......... ....... ... ..... ...... ... ..... .........

[Gareth]

A man is driving through the Welsh mountains when he is stopped by a policeman for speeding. †œI was only doing 40 miles per hour, officerââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� he says. †œThatâà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ žÂ¢s all very well,ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� says the policeman †œbut what if mister fog comes down?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� †œWellâà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ �, says the driver sarcastically, †œIf Mister Fog comes down; Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ll take Mister Foot off Mister Accelerator and put it on Mister Brakeââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�
†œNo sirââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�, says the policeman, †œI said what if mist or fog comes down?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

[Hom3r]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange :

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[Gareth]

Tired of constant media coverage asking "Is Osama is still alive?" Bin Ladin decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one at the FBI could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. They were equally puzzled as to its meaning so eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"

[Hom3r]

Originally Posted by Gareth

Tired of constant media coverage asking "Is Osama is still alive?" Bin Ladin decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one at the FBI could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. They were equally puzzled as to its meaning so eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"

LOL

[Hom3r]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention”